I Can't Possibly Have ADD.....Because THERE IS NO SUCH THING

I am tired of people telling me I have ADD (and you know who you are!).

THERE IS NO SUCH THING. (and no I am not yelling at you just because I put this in all caps....I am just trying to EMPHASIZE it.....oh all right, that time I yelled.)

ADD was invented by a pharmaceutical executive who had been called on the carpet for lagging sales figures. Luckily he looked out the window and spotted an unruly child who's parent was unable to discipline him and voila! a new disease was born.

Parents of kids in my generation did not need mood altering drugs to control their children or maintain their own sanity. They had something much more effective. In my father's case it was his belt. In my mother's case it was her fly swatter.

Once the sales of Ritalin shot through the roof the pharmaceutical company needed a sequel so they came up with ADHD so they could sell even more drugs.

I feel sorry for today's parents. I often see them out in public unable to control a screaming child. Thirty years ago no one would complain if a parent cut a tantrum short with a swift smack on the posterior but if they get caught doing that in public today some bleeding heart would whip out their cell phone to call child welfare, not that they are going to show up until the kid hits puberty but it is enough of a deterrent to keep parents from disciplining their children.

Think of all the wasted hours today's young parents have to spend reasoning with a two year old or devising reward systems more intricate than an American Airlines frequent flier program. Even a two year old knows that's bogus. So of course they are going to pick their nose in public and wail about it when you try to gently remove the offending finger.

The only socially acceptable solution seems to put your kid on drugs.

If Oprah is still around in twenty five years (I fear she will be. Besides we couldn't be so lucky to think that Gayle wouldn't survive if Oprah passed no matter how many road trips they take together.) I am sure she will do an entire series on her network about how much worse drugging children was than lovingly hitting them. Which is worse after all, stinging their bottoms for a few seconds or messing with their minds for years?

Sparta Needs its Own Television Station

Maybe I am just waterlogged after the wettest spring in recent history but after listening to thunder shaking my house to its soggy foundation a few nights ago I am convinced that it is time that Southwestern Illinois get its own television station. St. Louis meteorologists had already been tracking storms for hours but by the time the storms moved into the Sparta area the weather staffs were so beleaguered they couldn’t have been moved to notice a storm moving through Sparta unless it had reversed itself and started moving towards The Arch.

The ice storm coverage of last winter set a new record in the annals of being “egregiously overlooked.”  (to quote Julie Andrews) After days of predicting a record snowfall that never materialized maybe the meteorologists were too embarrassed to mention the storm but in the meantime there was nothing but a perfunctory mention of the ice that had turned Sparta into a perfect setting for a sequel to The Ice Queen.

St. Louis media outlets don’t just ignore those of us in Illinois when it comes to the weather.  When I commuted to St. Louis a few years ago for a summer job I routinely sat motionless on the Poplar Street Bridge while radio stations listed slow down after slow down with only occasional mentions of “the usual problems on the East Side.”

Even big events like the Grand American seem to get little attention from St. Louis stations. Not that I want to see Virginia Kerr near a firearm, even one that only shoots clay pigeons. She is just the kind of perky reporter they would send out here. Perky people are annoying. You would think that a CBS affiliate would realize that after suffering five years with Katie Couric in the network’s anchor chair.

Perhaps if the Cardinals had moved to Illinois St. Louis TV outlets would have admitted that there are intelligent forms of life on this side of the Mississippi. Only St. Louis would have built a beautiful new stadium smack up against the side of an interstate where any forward thinking terrorist could easily lob a bomb onto right field from an SUV anyway.

How can a metropolitan television station in Missouri hope to understand viewers in Southern Illinois? In Illinois we have enough sense to keep our roads open while we rebuild them instead of shutting them down completely. Of course it takes years to get projects finished this way. I have a feeling I am going to miss the two “temporary” stop lights on route 4 by the time construction is completed.  

I believe Missourians’ perception of Illinois has been skewered by the fact that a few (okay a LOT) of strip clubs have been built on our side of the river. I have had conversations with Missourians who have no idea what is in Illinois other than loose women and loose slots. But the Mississippi River shouldn’t be a barrier when it comes to news coverage. There are bridges to get you across it in minutes. Dispatching a few of those news trucks to Illinois shouldn’t be that difficult.

I don’t believe we have any other choice than to apply for a broadcasting license ourselves. With all the improvements T-Bone is making out at WHCO maybe he could go one step further and start broadcasting a television signal as well. If he needs a weather man I can help out.  I just installed a great new weather app on my e-reader. I’m not as accurate as Dave Murray or as personable as Kent Ehrhardt but I work very cheaply.

Why is She Promising to Go Away?

Oprah ended her reign over daytime TV with three, count them THREE farewell episodes the last of which surprise, surprise consisted of just her alone on stage. Gag! Gag! Gag! Gag! Gag!!!!! We should have known this is how it would end. Who else starts a magazine and puts herself on the cover every month? I wonder if her real name is Oprah? Wasn't it Narcissus?

Why is she making such big deal of leaving when she is getting her own damn channel?

I have to admit I actually watched OWN last weekend. I watched Becoming Chaz, the story of Chastity Bono's transition to becoming male. I thought it was fascinating. He really seems to be happy with his change. I am glad for him.

I do not plan on making a habit of watching OWN. I feel like I should be applauded for having the courage to live my life without seeking Oprah's ever present guidance, don't you?

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Nothing! Absolutely nothing. Congressman Aaron Schock posed for Men's Health magazine and set off a debate as to whether it was appropriate or not for a Congressman to appear shirtless on the cover of a magazine.

Why not? The magazine is devoted to fitness and health. He hasn't been caught taking bribes or handing out favors to contributors. He is just promoting a healthy life style and increasing magazine sales I am sure with all the publicity.

The Constitution says you have to be twenty-five years old, a resident of the state they represent and a U.S. citizen for seven years. Nowhere does it state that you have to have a big belly and hair growing out your ears. Sure, most of them do but it isn't a requirement.

Sure it's Good Friday but do we Have to get Depressed out of our Minds????

I am not now and have never been much into symbolism which is kind of bad news when you realize that some of the most important Christians beliefs hinge on it....you know like communion.

Last night I attended our community Good Friday service. I didn't want to go. I was held hostage (emotionally anyway) because I am the music director at the First United Methodist Church here. Many years ago someone came up with the bright idea of having a mass choir from all the churches do a song for the community Thanksgiving service and since then we are stuck doing it for Good Friday as well. As a choir director this means I am forced to go to two services a year I would otherwise ignore.

If it weren't for the mass choir (which lately only consists of the Presbyterians and us) no one would go to the Good Friday Service. I am beginning to resent this. Sure I know it is Holy Week but do I have to go to church every day because of it? How about getting a few of those once a year people who only attend church on Easter to come just a couple more Sundays a year and let those of us who are still regular attenders enjoy a spring holiday when we actually had time to do something other than go to church.

Is this making me bitter? Yes! This probably stems from the fact that not only is it Holy Week but I have a major musical production, Guys and Dolls opening next week and have been painting sets and picking up props from the four corners of the earth all week.

Last night the Good Friday service was a Tenebrae service, one of those services where the lights are lowered after each Bible passage. By the time we got to the community choir's number the lights were so low I couldn't read my music which made the entire reason for being a the service pointless for me.

They have  a great pipe organ at Westminster Presbyterian and two very talented organists but I am used to the Methodist style of hymn singing, fast and furious. Every hymn went on forever and remember this is Good Friday so we aren't talking about tunes like Irving Berlin's Happy Holidays and I am sitting in a sanctuary so dark I can't read the tiny print in the hymnal even with my industrial strength reading glasses.

At least the Presbyterians' new minister didn't take the opportunity to show off his preaching prowess. New ministers in town are always pressed upon to host the community service giving people from other congregations the opportunity to give thanks that they have the minister they do or call a quick meeting of the pastor parish committee to discuss getting someone who can preach like that new guy the Baptists have (Actually in Sparta the Baptists don't join in community services....no one else in town can quite come up to their standards of holiness apparently)

After a prelude, seven scriptures, seven readings, seven brief commentaries, a pastoral prayer, an offertory, four hymns and three special numbers including a trumpet solo by one of the ministers who played a medley of every hymn ever written that included the word cross in it even once we were dismissed in silence.

Excuse me???? Silence? Oh yeah it's Good Friday so we have to be all depressed and everything. The only payoff for attending these community services is getting a chance to socialize with people from other congregations afterwards and they want us to leave in silence?

I guess I should be thankful that I wasn't attending services in St. Louis where one parish's roof got blown off during the service. Now that would be something worth getting depressed about.

Treated Like a Common Criminal

"They treated him like a common criminal!" The mother of an eight year old boy who broke off a sharp piece of molding so he could kill his teachers claims after police pepper sprayed him.

Gee ya think so lady? I do too! He was treated like a common criminal because that's what you are raising.

It wasn't the first time police had been called to the school to try to defuse a situation concerning your son. After all the third time is the charm. The child has since been moved to a special school where they can better handle this type of situation. Hmmm I thought they closed Alcatraz.

The kid isn't on medication (which I don't believe in any way) and he readily admits he has anger issues.What this kid needs is a teacher with anger issues themselves so they can put an end to his shenanigans. Maybe someone from the WWF would do. But these aren't just shenanigans. This kid is a clear and present danger. And he isn't going to get any smaller. From the looks of him it looked like he had been hitting the HoHos pretty hard already.

He and his mother were making the morning news show rounds this week and I am sure they have a lawyer looking out for their rights. What about the rights of the other kids in his classroom? I only read the online reports but I hope someone at the Today show asked the woman how she managed to raise a junior terrorists like this.But I am sure they coddled her too just like the schools are forced to do.

I can assure you that every time some adult maniac commits some incredible crime there are at least twenty or thirty of their former teachers at home watching the news thinking to themselves, "I knew this would happen one day."

He needs to be taken away from her and put somewhere where someone will discipline him. These are always the same kind of parents that either say, "I don't know what to do with him," or are constantly on guard making sure their little cherub's rights aren't being violated.


She is right about one thing though. They shouldn't have used pepper spray. They should have tried something a little less painful a long time ago.

Conspiracy Theory

Has anyone else noticed how absolutely lousy weekend television is lately? I am talking about what the networks routinely offer up on Friday and Saturday nights. It's all reruns or as the networks like to call them encores. Even daytime programming is airing "encores" now. I don't need to tune in to All My Children to see Erica's eleventh marriage for the second time.


But I have a conspiracy theory regarding the weekend programming or lack of programming that the networks are routinely offering up now. I believe they are in cahoots with the movie industry to make television so bad that we are forced to go to the movies to find some entertainment on weekends. And what will we see when we get there? B-rated films starring television stars like Jennifer Aniston (yawn) and Kevin James (double yawn)

Lately I can't even find a film worth going to. The passing of Elizabeth Taylor just serves to remind us that there are no bigger than life stars anymore. Brad dumping Jennifer for Angelina hardly compares to the Elizabeth/Eddie Fisher/Debbie Reynolds love triangle.

These days the most I can wish for is a marathon of RuPaul's Drag Race on Logo or episode after episode of Top Chef on E! The latter is having serious consequences for my diet. Every time one of those chefs stirs up a chocolate mousse or an eclair filled with exotic ingredients I rush to the kitchen where the best I can rustle up is a  pudding cup or a Twinkie.

But I refuse to succumb to the power of the movie studios....until Streisand finally gets the final go ahead from Arthur Laurents to film the remake of Gypsy or Colin Firth reads the phone book on camera.

Why Don't the Repairmen They Send to my House Ever Look Like This?

A few weeks ago my internet connection became spotty. To their credit it was really the first time since Frontier bought my service from Verizon that I have had any trouble. When I finally got through to customer service I heard a message saying that if you lived in IL they knew there was a problem and they were working on it.

The problem reoccurred last week but this time they were unaware of any current wide ranging problems although I suspect it was from some kind of improvement they were trying to do on their system because the service would come and go every five minutes. Sometimes a couple of days would pass and I would have no interruption.

But I received an automated call from Frontier (Is there any other kind?) last week asking me to call them and set up an appointment which I did. After waiting nearly half an hour to talk to a real live person they finally set me up with a time slot so they could improve my service which was  working perfectly fine by that point, thank you very much.

I know that when they tell you to be home between the hours of one and five that you have no business expecting them till four forty-five unless you run out on a quick errand in which case they will show up the minute your car has left the driveway. By four p.m. no one had arrived and just to be testy I gave them a call.

Because of my inability to switch from one phone call to another on my cell phone I lost the first representative I talked to today but the second person I made contact with informed me that Frontier had in fact forgotten to tell the service men that they needed to be here today.

I was incredulous. "What?" I asked. "I have never heard of such a thing!" I lied....I was in fact not surprised at all. I just hope the Tony  Award nominating committee was listening in on that phone call. It is about time I got my due as an actor.

So now I get to sit at home again on Thursday afternoon waiting for the Frontier man. Let's just hope he looks a lot like Sully from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman  or Michael Landon from Little House on the Prairie when he arrives but with my luck I will probably get someone more along the lines of Jeff Bridges in True Grit.

It isn't that I have anything to do on Thursday afternoon or most afternoons but when you are told you have to stay home it takes all the fun out of watching General Hospital. Ever since they relegated Monica to a minor role the show hasn't been worth watching.

The New Medusa

I don't know who the awful woman is that makes all those recordings for companies that you try to call for tech support but if I ever find her I am going to force her to take a good hard look at herself. She is soooo damn incompetent. I can't stand her patient tone. She never has the "number" I need. You know the drill. Press one for....press two for.....

Her voice sounds pleasant enough but I bet she has a head full of snakes, forcing her to stay hidden in a cave where she is forced to find work as a voice over artist. I picture this modern day Medusa living on an island just off the coast of India where she protects the citizens of that land from unnecessary calls so they can take breaks using their electronic devices and thinking up plots for even worse Bollywood films than they have subjected us to already.

Someone has to be protecting them otherwise they would just PICK UP THE DARN PHONE. 

The worst of these is the Verizon lady. Verizon is no longer my Internet provider but when Frontier bought them out in whatever back door scheme they came up with they some how managed to find the same irritating woman to do their voice over work.

And some how they have made the process by which you FINALLY get to a real person even longer with even more insipid questions and press one choices.

And what happens when you finally get Sahib (who is calling himself Rodney, Randy or Ralph today in an effort to appear more Westernized)  on the line? He asks you to verify the very same information that Medusa had you input on your touch tone phone.

Three things you can always be assured of when you do get Sahib on the phone; he won't be able to understand you, he won't be able to solve your problem and when he transfers your call the system will lose it and you have to listen to Medusa's siren song again. (I might have just mixed up my myths)

I could fix the nation's unemployment dilemma in one easy stroke; enact a law that demands businesses doing business in this country hire Americans, real live Americans to answer the phone. And no phone system should be allowed to ask you more than ONE press one question before you talk to a live representative. And please no one from Mississppi, Da Bronx, or any "valley girls" need apply for one of these positions. I won't be able to understand them either

Please Shoot me When I Get this Old.....Well Maybe Not

Why do these things always ALWAYS happen when the church is full of guests? I can't really say there is anything like a typical Sunday at my church but if there were this would not have been one of them. We had a guest musician, the children's choir and a puppet show instead of the children's sermon. The choir was doing a simple old song called, "I've Got a Mansion Just Over the Hilltop" since we were having instrumental music for the prelude and offertory and half our sopranos were gone.

It all went well. For once we were able to fit a lot into the service and still manage to get out in about an hour. (In my Old Testament there are 11 commandments. The 11th one reads: mama has a roast in the oven so unless you are serving communion church better get in out an hour)

No two Sundays are ever exactly alike at our church, and for now let's assume that is a good thing. The congregation puts up with me, even allows me to serve the music director so I tend to give them a lot of leeway. It is a very accepting, loving congregation.

So it is easy to understand why I am probably the only one who was irritated when the minister went to the alter to deliver his closing prayer and a cell phone rang. But that is not my complaint. It could easily have happened to me. (I however have a very tasteful, nonobtrusive ring tone) But the cell phone didn't just ring The old (and I do mean old even by Biblical standards) man that it belonged to did not have enough sense to walk out of church or heaven forbid (literally) silence it.

Not only did he not silence it he proceeded to have an entire conversation while we were having closing prayer! in fact his last words to whatever nonchurch-going  heathen he was talking to were, "I'm at church!"

"We know!" I wanted to shout.

After church everyone was very Christian about it I must say. They considered the source and laughed it off.

I had vowed to hunt down the offender and make sure someone, anyone had let him have it but he was simply too old to confront. Besides as slow as he is he still managed to get out of church before I left the choir loft and greeted some of the guests that I knew in the congregation.

There comes a time when you are simply too old to have a cell phone or for that matter any new invention. I sometimes wonder if that day isn't soon approaching for me. At least this guy assured me that I deserved to have all my electronic devices.

The only one he should be left with is a pacemaker and whatever that device is they hang around old people's necks when they have fallen and can't get up.

God may forgive but I hold grudges.

I Like this Kid Whether he can Roast Donald or Not

Apparently Mike "The Situation" Sorrenson appeared at a Comedy Central roast last night for Donald Trump and bombed. And today like American  media did what they love to do best; they are all climbing all over the guy.

Have they seen any Comedy Central roasts? They are never funny. The jokes are always crass and stale and the material is always tired. It's hard to fill an hour with Donald Trump jokes. After you have insulted the hair and the wives what else is there?

I applaud The Situation for trying to create a brand for himself and attempting to pad his resume with something more than  his appearances on Jersey Shore.

I thought he was charming on Dancing With the Stars. He could easily have just blown off the entire appearance on that show, flashing his abs weekly. That's all they really wanted. The fact that he didn't have much aptitude for dancing was beside the point. He tried and he was gracious and respectful of the program.

Today the pundits are all advising The Situation not to quit his day job but I applaud the guy for trying to improve himself. (and his bank account)

Maybe Charlie Sheen was Just Building up to Fat Tuesday

Let's not judge Charlie Sheen too harshly. Maybe he is just getting ready for Lent. After all today is Fat Tuesday and maybe h,e like millions of Americans is just going out on one more binge before Lent.

Who am I kidding? Neither Charlie or most Americans has any intent on giving up anything for Lent. I don't. I am not now and never have been into symbolism.

The first time I remember anyone mentioning symbolism was in Sophomore English when some girl climbed up to the top of  a tree in a short story we were reading and it was supposed to stand for something a great deal more prolific. I didn't care then and I don't care now. I am sure this was not the first time an English teacher had tried to explain the concept but it was the first time I paid a little attention at least.

The Streets of Soulard in St. Louis were filled with Mardis Gras revelers last weekend. At least I assume they were. I went once, on a Saturday after the parade was over. The crowd had abated somewhat by then but I didn't see what the attraction was. Beads you could buy for yourself at any novelty shop and beer?

Maybe I should have learned to appreciate the taste of beer but I never did. It isn't that I am opposed to drinking. I just don't see the point. Alcohol loosens you up I know. But quite frankly in any given day I am apt to conduct myself in ways I regret without being under the influence of alcohol or illicit drugs. I don't even like the fact that I have to take blood pressure medicine.  

And I can guarantee you that the same group of people that were on the streets of Soulard last weekend will be Downtown St. Louis this weekend for The Saint Patrick's Day parade. Couldn't churches in the  area just save a little electricity and cancel their Ash Wednesday services this week? What is the point?