Oregon or Bust.....GPS in Hand

Pray for these men.

Larry and I are flying to Portland, Oregon tomorrow to visit my oldest daughter, Megan. We had planned a cross country trip in my pickup for the summer but we abandoned that idea when gas reached close to three dollars a gallon by the end of March. Of course as soon as we canceled the trip gas prices started to decline. I am pretty sure the universe or at least the Exxon Corporation is conspiring against me.

We'll fly to Portland and then rent a car to get around for the next few days. I have asked Larry to pack  his GPS system to help us get around even though we have driven in Portland before. Like most men I am fundamentally opposed to GPS systems. After all, you are asking for directions.

I realize of course that having a GPS system in no ways guarantees that we will not get lost. The one other time we used it we drove a short distance from Paducah to pick up an Amish gentleman that was doing some cabinet work for Larry's sister. Apparently  could ride in a car but not drive a car. I am sure there is some logic in that somewhere but it takes a far greater mind than mine to grasp it. The GPS system got lost in Amish country. Probably because it suspected it wasn't really welcome. 

I hadn't been that far back in the woods since my Boy Scout Days. How I slipped into that pack I will never know but I did always enjoy the hikes and camping trips. I failed knot tying three times and was asked to leave. I never would have made Eagle Scout anyway. I heard you had to spend the night in the woods alone. My friend George made it though and George was the biggest flamer I ever met in my life. His favorite phrase was, "Not in this dress!" God, I miss you, George.

I believe that GPS devices,calculators, microwaves, cell phones and those little devices that open your car doors for you are inherently evil. Not that I don't use all of them except the electronic car door opening devices. I am  too cheap to invest in a car that has one. I can open my car door my damn self, thank you.

I envision a world in the not too distant future where humans are incapable of the simplest tasks, having relied on electronic devices for too long. My cell phone (sometimes) recognizes voice commands. Of course I have to yell at it several times before it recognizes the name of the person I want to call.

 "Call Megan," I say nicely.

"Did you say, Melanie?" it replies.

"No. Call Megan."

"Did you say Mary?"

"No! Call Megan!"

"Did you say Mark?"

By this time I have given up and dialed the speed dial number. I can't call Megan directly because thanks to my reliance on electronics I no longer know my daughter's phone numbers. Now I ask you, what kind of father am I? I will tell you. I am a twenty-first century father. I doubt I am alone.

Soon these devices will take over the world. Humans will be devoid of the ability to do anything after having become dependent on them for so long. We will become inferior species incapable of thought or action. (If someone is out there developing a  science fiction screen play on this premise, I warn you, you read it here first. I will sue you for a percentage of the box office.)

So it is with great hesitation that I asked Larry to pack his GPS for use in  the rental car that I am sure will be waiting for us in Portland (after all I booked it online months ago). I am a little worried however. Portland is awfully close to the Pacific Ocean. I can just see Larry and I driving underwater now while the lady's voice on the GPS device gurgles as we spot our first starfish, "Turn.... right in three hundred feet....glurp.....glurp.......recalculating position....." I just hope my last thought on earth is not how similar the GPS lady's voice sounds like the Verizon Lady. She is  always so calm. I hate that.