Elevating the Mundane Into an Art Form

 I have a love/hate relationship with Martha Stewart.

She has taken over the Hallmark Channel on weekday mornings, finally giving me an alternative to the third hour of the Today show. I still haven't figured out what the point of that hour is. I mean Matt Lauer  is not on it so why would anyone watch? To see Al Roker? I don't think so. I was in NYC once a few weeks after his stomach stapling and he was walking down the street eating an ice cream cone. I didn't interrupt him to say hi. He looked pretty intent.

I have heard awful things about Martha but being a person that has a  dubious reputation myself I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. She seems so nice on the show. She even makes little mistakes from time to time to make the rest of us feel better. 

I have heard that going to prison made her nicer. But she is so fascinated by the mundane that she probably relished the opportunity to study the mortar between the blocks of her cell for six months.

 Whenever I start to think that my life has no purpose I think back to the episode where she had a guest on to show her his twine collection. I am not kidding. This guy collected twine in his travels around the globe. I didn't realize they made more than one kind. Isn't it all from China anyway?

I seldom hear her go more than a few minutes without mentioning a brand name or one of her own many, many products. I have to admit this makes me envious. I suspect Martha hears tiny little cash registers going off in her head every time she mentions a brand. This morning it was J Crew. The entire audience was dressed in J Crew. I can only imagine the list of instructions the audience receives before they are allowed to attend a taping.

Of course cooking is the activity Martha and her guests spend the bulk of their time on. I have to admit this intimidates me. I don't even recognize most of the utensils she uses. Where does she store them all? I only have one drawer for all my cooking utensils and believe me Martha would not approve. It hasn't been organized since 1994.

Martha, I would feel a lot better if I could just see you use a paper towel. You always uses cloth. I have to wash my own, Martha. Unlike you I don't have twenty little gay assistants running around my house just dying for the opportunity to measure out my cooking ingredients into tiny little bowls or wash my kitchen towels.

I can't afford to make anything Martha does anyway. She made cinnamon sugar toast once and used at least fifteen ingredients. Half the time I have to settle for three: bread, butter and sugar or cinnamon. I rarely have both in my house at the same time.

Her recipes are too complex (to Martha anything with less than twenty ingredients qualifies as simple food). I would feel a lot better if she would just spread some Cheez Whiz on some celery. I realize this is too much to hope for. She probably makes her own Cheez Whiz, sold exclusively at K-Mart. (What is exclusive about anything at K-Mart?) Sorry, Martha but I really don't want to know what's in your Cheez Whiz. And I definitely don't want to know what is in Kraft's.

Do something, simple for once, Martha. Make a Pop Tart, spread some peanut butter on a cracker or better yet. whip open a package of Oreos. I bet you have a utensil in your Martha Stewart Collection designed specifically for dipping them and gay boy waiting  in the wings to dry your fingers if it should malfunction.