My Letter to the Editor

This sign is not the one I am referring to here. I refuse to take a picture of it. The sign I refer to states, "We believe marriage is between one man and one woman."

Don't therapists tell you to write a letter when something is irritating you? Well I finally wrote a letter to the editor about the Trinity Church sign today and am sharing it here.

 Apparently I forgot the part about tearing the letter up before you send it but I tried  to be positive. Do you people realize how much energy that takes? I am exhausste and I have no idea if I am successful. I guess I will find out when the Plaindealer hits the streets next week but at this point my blog may have more readers. (I can only dream)

I enjoy reading church signs. I like seeing what creative ways congregations come up with to encourage people to attend. I may have to give up this practice because I felt personally affronted by the message outside Trinity church recently stating they believed marriage was between one man and one woman.

It was like a punch to the gut and I am not even married.  I assume they don’t welcome divorced people either. I should thank them for the warning I suppose. When I go to church I want to hear about all the love God has in store for me, not what benefits one particular group feels I am entitled to and what is reserved for others.  I was taught that God is Love. We sang it over and over in the conservative congregation I grew up in.

 As a child I had no idea how conservative my church was. It certainly wasn’t the divisive, mean spirited conservatism we see being promoted today. We were not so much conservative as fundamental I suppose. We stuck to the basics. The good news Christ had for us. Thank goodness. My Sunday School teachers focused on how much we were loved and how we needed to share that love with others by inviting them to church and making them feel welcome.

There are so many positive aspects of Christianity that could be shared on a church sign. A world that needs to know God loves them unconditionally. Why would anyone want to alienate people on their church sign?

Gary  Cox

I Can Sleep Well Tonight

I can sleep well tonight knowing that my President has for once and for all put all those Muslim rumors to rest, explaining to a crowd in New Mexico today why he is a Christian.

Never mind that this nation was founded on principles of religious freedom. We seem to demand that this president prove to us he is Christian.

This is probably due to the fact he has promoted such a Marxist agenda as trying to provide affordable health care and raise the income tax on the those making more than $250,000 a year.

I never doubted George W.'s Christianity. His fitness for the job? Yes. His Christianity? No.

The right wing has usurped the Christian mantle for decades now, ever since Ronald Reagan convinced us all he was for God and country despite the fact that he never darkened a church door in his life unless it was for a photo op.

I am tired of politicians on all sides wrapping themselves in the Bible and the flag. We ought to outlaw the use of red, white and blue in campaign material. Make them earn it. Set up a system where they earn points for public service. Serving in Congress does not count. When they earn enough points they get a starter lapel pin. A few more points and they get a flag for their porch. You don't get the one big enough to fill the background of you stage until you have funded the schools, repaired all the bridges and found Osama.

If you want a Bible you are going to have to earn it like everyone else did. Go to confirmation class. If you attended as a child you get a free pass on this one, if you can still find it. And it better have frayed pages by now if you want to quote scripture.

I realize of course that if these rules were put it place there would be an apple pie shortage. Thank goodness it's September. I am pretty sure apples are in season.I wouldn't know.  I haven't eaten one in years. Some day scientist will  prove what I have suspected all along. Fruit kills.

The Schools Will Never be Fixed....Unless...

Warning: This post is not funny

I had the unfortunate opportunity to catch Joel Klein (the chancellor of New York schools) on The View today touting the new documentary, Waiting for Superman, another indictment of the sad state of American schools.


"Waah, waah, waah." Of course one of his prime targets for the blame of America's under performing schools were the teacher unions who protect bad teachers by giving them tenure. He makes a compelling argument unless you stop to consider why teachers are given tenure in the first place: to protect them like bureaucrats like you, Mr. Klein.


A student performs poorly year after year after year on Mr. Kleins hallowed state tests and who does he blame? The incompetent teachers of course! I am sure they are out there. And I realize city schools face bigger challenges finding quality teachers than small towns but Mr. Klein and his ilk never once stop to consider the single biggest contributing factor to low test scores: the PERSON TAKING THE TEST!

He supports merit pay of course and paying science and math teachers more than p.e. teachers. I shudder to think what he thinks music, art or speech teachers should be paid. I am no fan of p.e. but I don't subscribe to the theory that science and math are more important than say, hmmm.... let me think.... READING?! What a blowhard. And how many studies have to cite the value of music and arts education before we take them seriously?


Of course he is in favor of merit pay. I submit that the teacher who will get this "merit pay" that Mr. Klein is so fond will end up being the worst teachers in the schools, spending all their time drilling kids for the insipid state tests. Thank goodness I never had to work for a district that evaluated teachers on their students' state test performance.

Don't get me wrong I am not against testing or standards. But they cannot be the only measure. Of course bureaucrats love them because they use them to turn teachers into whipping boys.


If you want to fix the school, Mr. Klein first you are going to have to SUPPORT them. People like Mr. Klein are often fond of telling us that money alone won't solve the problem. Tell that to Halliburton the next time they want to overcharge us for another few thousand pair of night vision goggles.

Or how about flunking a few idle students without worrying about how they are going to "fit in" socially next year?

He wants to extend the school day and the school year. Wait a minute! According to you we aren't using the time we have in school well now. This makes absolutely no sense unless we realize that some kids need to go to school longer than others. Extend the school day for them. If they can't be trusted to do their homework keep them at school until they do. Oh wait. We used to do that. It was called staying after school.


If you want to fix the schools real fast you need to hang a big wooden paddle on every chalkboard in the country. You wouldn't even have to use it. Half the troublemakers will keel over at the sight of it (if they even recognize it). It wouldn't hurt to keep it handy during parent-teacher conferences when parents start blaming the teacher for the bad grades their child just received.


Close all the Catholic schools and send in the nuns. Make sure they bring their rulers. They are going to need them! You can leave the guilt at home though unless it applies to unfinished homework. 

CNN recently had a feature on home schoolers, happily measuring out materials for a science project in the woods. I guess the cameraman was too busy to follow them later on their trip to the mall. Home schooling should be banned. Time for them to evolve too like the rest of us.


Close the charter schools as well. Why should they be given preferential treatment? It isn't fair to only fund only  a few schools fully.

Maybe the only hope is for Bank of America to take over the schools.  The government would be quick to bail them out then.

It Isn't a Vacation if You Don't Take Silly Snapshots.

In 1988 our family took our longest road trip ever. Somewhere in the Petrified Forest the heat must have gotten to me because we took the first in a series of ridiculous pictures. They began with me trying to lift one of the petrified trees off the ground, getting angry, kicking it and holding my foot in agony. Since then when I travel I look for ridiculous photo opportunities.

On the beach in Seaside Oregon this week I couldn't resist imitating Bettie Page. I had watched a biopic of her on the Independent Film Channel the weekend before the trip. I don't remember Bette Paige appearing to be nine months pregnant in any of her photos. Of course she did do all of her work before Demi Moore posed naked and pregnant for Vanity Fair.

I don't remember what the food is like at Camp 18, an old logging mine  that now hosts a restaurant but they have great wooden carvings you can have all kinds of fun with. Larry wouldn't pose in a silly position for one but I caught him when his guard was down.

Megan took us to the Rose Garden in Portland. The sight of a huge red rose inspired my inner munchkin to come out. Thank goodness nobody was blowing bubbles nearby or my inner Glinda may have appeared as well. I don't have the dress or the crown for it anyway.

We had a lovely dinner our last night in Portland at Kennedy School, an old school which a local company has turned into a restaurant, movie theatre, performance and meeting space. Local artists have created wonderful artwork for the hallways including intricate Byzantine style tile work. Of course I couldn't resist "stepping into" one of the paintings for a photo op.

Megan's boyfriend, Alex tried to balk but Megan assured him there was no getting out of it and he acquiesced quickly and painlessly (I hope). I must admit that of the four of us I have the best 'grip' on my streamer.










I realize of course that my tendency to find unusual photo opportunities prevents me from ever visiting the White House again. Since the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and The Pentagon  the Secret Service has completely lost its sense of humor.

With Apologies to the Drivers of Oregon but not to the GPS Lady

Having arrived safely home from Oregon yesterday I feel I owe the drivers of Oregon a huge apology. I wrecked a rental car on vacation in Arizona a few years ago and since then I have been extremely apprehensive when driving rental cars. I am not generally an overly cautious driver (huge understatement) but after receiving a bill for nearly $2000 a year after my wreck in Arizona I am terrified of wrecking another. According to them the car was out of service for three weeks and even though my insurance company and I had paid for the repair I still owed the rental company for every day the car could have been rented but was in the body shop. They said it took three weeks to repair. I  am sure whoever took it in told the rental shop to just fit it in when they had the time.


So yes it was me driving in the wrong lane on Oregon route 26 most of the week. I was the one stopping forever at stop signs downtown wondering which way to turn. I was the one creeping along US route 405 looking for my exit. Thank you for not honking. I completely understand you passing me with those glowering looks. These are all qualities I abhor in others.


I must say however that the GPS lady was of absolutely no use and was relieved when my daughter Megan rode along with us and found her just as irritating as Larry and I did. Does this woman really think that I can accurately measure the distance in  feet while driving? She was constantly telling me to "turn right in 300 feet" in areas where there seemed to be opportunities to turn everywhere. Her most annoying instruction was when she told me to "Turn right then left," where there was only one way to turn. I am usually opposed to 'updates' since they generally cause my electronic devices to cease functioning properly but I believe this 'woman' is due for one immediately.


In the end I started relying on Mapquest before I headed out, a website that has led me astray on numerous occasions. They have a few of those infamous "turn right then turn left" directions too.

What I really need from the GPS lady is information like what lane I should be using. This would be too much to ask of anyone since whoever designed Oregon's highway system had a fondness for opening lanes then closing then without warning. Do the guys who work for state departments of transportation have hidden cameras along the road so they can sit and laugh at poor drivers like me that get trapped in lanes unable to get over when they suddenly disappear? At least the rental car we were in had California plates. I am sure Oregon drivers are used to being annoyed by California drivers.

I am safe back home now where I know the hazards of the local roads, happily complaining about the farm equipment moving too slowly  in front of me. I love harvest season.

Oregon or Bust.....GPS in Hand

Pray for these men.

Larry and I are flying to Portland, Oregon tomorrow to visit my oldest daughter, Megan. We had planned a cross country trip in my pickup for the summer but we abandoned that idea when gas reached close to three dollars a gallon by the end of March. Of course as soon as we canceled the trip gas prices started to decline. I am pretty sure the universe or at least the Exxon Corporation is conspiring against me.

We'll fly to Portland and then rent a car to get around for the next few days. I have asked Larry to pack  his GPS system to help us get around even though we have driven in Portland before. Like most men I am fundamentally opposed to GPS systems. After all, you are asking for directions.

I realize of course that having a GPS system in no ways guarantees that we will not get lost. The one other time we used it we drove a short distance from Paducah to pick up an Amish gentleman that was doing some cabinet work for Larry's sister. Apparently  could ride in a car but not drive a car. I am sure there is some logic in that somewhere but it takes a far greater mind than mine to grasp it. The GPS system got lost in Amish country. Probably because it suspected it wasn't really welcome. 

I hadn't been that far back in the woods since my Boy Scout Days. How I slipped into that pack I will never know but I did always enjoy the hikes and camping trips. I failed knot tying three times and was asked to leave. I never would have made Eagle Scout anyway. I heard you had to spend the night in the woods alone. My friend George made it though and George was the biggest flamer I ever met in my life. His favorite phrase was, "Not in this dress!" God, I miss you, George.

I believe that GPS devices,calculators, microwaves, cell phones and those little devices that open your car doors for you are inherently evil. Not that I don't use all of them except the electronic car door opening devices. I am  too cheap to invest in a car that has one. I can open my car door my damn self, thank you.

I envision a world in the not too distant future where humans are incapable of the simplest tasks, having relied on electronic devices for too long. My cell phone (sometimes) recognizes voice commands. Of course I have to yell at it several times before it recognizes the name of the person I want to call.

 "Call Megan," I say nicely.

"Did you say, Melanie?" it replies.

"No. Call Megan."

"Did you say Mary?"

"No! Call Megan!"

"Did you say Mark?"

By this time I have given up and dialed the speed dial number. I can't call Megan directly because thanks to my reliance on electronics I no longer know my daughter's phone numbers. Now I ask you, what kind of father am I? I will tell you. I am a twenty-first century father. I doubt I am alone.

Soon these devices will take over the world. Humans will be devoid of the ability to do anything after having become dependent on them for so long. We will become inferior species incapable of thought or action. (If someone is out there developing a  science fiction screen play on this premise, I warn you, you read it here first. I will sue you for a percentage of the box office.)

So it is with great hesitation that I asked Larry to pack his GPS for use in  the rental car that I am sure will be waiting for us in Portland (after all I booked it online months ago). I am a little worried however. Portland is awfully close to the Pacific Ocean. I can just see Larry and I driving underwater now while the lady's voice on the GPS device gurgles as we spot our first starfish, "Turn.... right in three hundred feet....glurp.....glurp.......recalculating position....." I just hope my last thought on earth is not how similar the GPS lady's voice sounds like the Verizon Lady. She is  always so calm. I hate that.

Elevating the Mundane Into an Art Form

 I have a love/hate relationship with Martha Stewart.

She has taken over the Hallmark Channel on weekday mornings, finally giving me an alternative to the third hour of the Today show. I still haven't figured out what the point of that hour is. I mean Matt Lauer  is not on it so why would anyone watch? To see Al Roker? I don't think so. I was in NYC once a few weeks after his stomach stapling and he was walking down the street eating an ice cream cone. I didn't interrupt him to say hi. He looked pretty intent.

I have heard awful things about Martha but being a person that has a  dubious reputation myself I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. She seems so nice on the show. She even makes little mistakes from time to time to make the rest of us feel better. 

I have heard that going to prison made her nicer. But she is so fascinated by the mundane that she probably relished the opportunity to study the mortar between the blocks of her cell for six months.

 Whenever I start to think that my life has no purpose I think back to the episode where she had a guest on to show her his twine collection. I am not kidding. This guy collected twine in his travels around the globe. I didn't realize they made more than one kind. Isn't it all from China anyway?

I seldom hear her go more than a few minutes without mentioning a brand name or one of her own many, many products. I have to admit this makes me envious. I suspect Martha hears tiny little cash registers going off in her head every time she mentions a brand. This morning it was J Crew. The entire audience was dressed in J Crew. I can only imagine the list of instructions the audience receives before they are allowed to attend a taping.

Of course cooking is the activity Martha and her guests spend the bulk of their time on. I have to admit this intimidates me. I don't even recognize most of the utensils she uses. Where does she store them all? I only have one drawer for all my cooking utensils and believe me Martha would not approve. It hasn't been organized since 1994.

Martha, I would feel a lot better if I could just see you use a paper towel. You always uses cloth. I have to wash my own, Martha. Unlike you I don't have twenty little gay assistants running around my house just dying for the opportunity to measure out my cooking ingredients into tiny little bowls or wash my kitchen towels.

I can't afford to make anything Martha does anyway. She made cinnamon sugar toast once and used at least fifteen ingredients. Half the time I have to settle for three: bread, butter and sugar or cinnamon. I rarely have both in my house at the same time.

Her recipes are too complex (to Martha anything with less than twenty ingredients qualifies as simple food). I would feel a lot better if she would just spread some Cheez Whiz on some celery. I realize this is too much to hope for. She probably makes her own Cheez Whiz, sold exclusively at K-Mart. (What is exclusive about anything at K-Mart?) Sorry, Martha but I really don't want to know what's in your Cheez Whiz. And I definitely don't want to know what is in Kraft's.

Do something, simple for once, Martha. Make a Pop Tart, spread some peanut butter on a cracker or better yet. whip open a package of Oreos. I bet you have a utensil in your Martha Stewart Collection designed specifically for dipping them and gay boy waiting  in the wings to dry your fingers if it should malfunction.

Mr. Darcy

I just finished my annual viewing of The A and E miniseries Pride and Prejudice. It has now replaced the Wizard of Oz as the movie I watch once a year despite the fact it is six hours long.  ( I prefer the Wizard of Oz slot machines to the movie now anyway.)  I finally got so tired of having 300 channels and nothing to watch  that I made the supreme effort to get up off the sofa, located my boxed dvd set of Pride and Prejudice and fired up the dvd player.

The only reason I watch it annually is to see Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. I first saw him in What a Girl Wants thanks to my daughter, Emily and was immediately struck by the humanity he conveys on screen. He always seems to play a tortured man trying to do the right thing.

I looked him up on Amazon.com and ordered a few movies he was in . From what I learned there his portrayal of Mr. Darcy caused a sensation when this miniseries first aired. It was easy for me to see why. He looked dashing in his 19th century duds, something I can't say for many of the women in the cast. Apparently the laws at that time prohibited women wearing anything that didn't have an empire waist.

I also ordered the Girl with the Pearl Earring and The Advocate at the same time. He played another tortured man in Earring but I can't bear to watch The Advocate again despite the fact that he had a nude scene in it because his wig was so bad.

I try to see everything he is in although I haven't been able to bring myself to watch Bridget Jones Diary. I like Renee Zellweger but she really does need to open her damn eyes at some point! I can't take it.

I love the fact that he is very good looking but doesn't seem to know it. People who are good looking should have the decency to act like they don't realize it. Hasn't nature been unkind to the rest of us already? We don't need beautiful people rubbing it in.  After seeing him looking pudgy in closing credits of Mama Mia where the spandex was unkind to him I don't have to resent him.

Despite the fact the Academy is usually intimidated by British actors he lost the Oscar this year to Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart. Didn't Mickey Rourke win for the same film last year? An ugly old man trying to make a comeback? And who cares if one played a wrestler and one played a country singer? My point is this: the fact that you're playing a character that hasn't washed his hair in six months does not qualify you for an Oscar any more than that fake nose she wore in The Hours made Nicole Kidman Oscar worthy. (We all know her marriage contract to Tom Cruise demanded she receive one at some point.....the price of silence in Hollywood must be very high.)

I hope I never meet Colin. I would probably be either very disappointed when he turned out to be an ass or I fear I  would immediately turn into Lucy Ricardo and do something ridiculous like break into his house for a souvenir grapefruit, steal his footprints or set my nose on fire.

Why Didn't Anyone Tell me About September?

When I have considered my favorite months in the past I have rarely considered September. This is probably because for thirty-three years I was always caught up in the start of a new school year. The start of a new year was always the most difficult time, trying to figure out what was going to work best with any particular new class of students.


But the last two years I have really gotten to savor the last days of summer that September provides;those precious days each year when I can have my windows open but not so hot that I don't want to turn on my oven in case I decide to bake some cookies or want pizza for supper.

I think September gets a bad rap from songwriters. The songs are always so melancholy. I admit to being sucked in by them in the past. I have focused more on the fact that summer was ending and dreading the approaching winter than enjoying the day at hand. That again was probably due to the fact I didn't get to enjoy the day until after 3:30 when school let out and then there were only a few hours of sunlight left.

Generally I am opposed to weather. Think of all the costs we incur because of it; heating and cooling bills, the need for  a roof and occasional roof repair, different clothes for different seasons. But even I have a hard time finding fault with the climate today.

This is the time of year I can really appreciate living in Southern Illinois. No one complained about the humidity today. I can feel the change of season coming on but don't have to deal with it yet. The change of season is such a blessing. It makes us really appreciate the temperate times of year.

 I am grateful to live somewhere we have all four seasons but the older I get the less winter I need. I am to the point I can really only deal effectively with about three weeks of cold weather. And I am not talking about three weeks in a row. Three weeks total from November through February is all I can deal with. I no longer get to take off work on snow days so what good are they?

Summer of the Crazies

Is it just me or was this the summer of the crazies? Maybe it is the 24 hour news channels. I am pretty much convinced they are ruining society with the constant need for topics no matter how uneccassary the coverage is. Or maybe it is the internet. Doesn't anybody just use the internet for it's rightful purpose anymore; to search for porn?

Lindsay Lohan made news by sending the judge a little message on her fingernails then going to jail and rehab.  They kept her in solitary confinement. What kind of punishment was that? They should have put her in general population and let them recreate scenes from Mean Girls.


 

A an airline attendant got thoroughly irritated, cussed out the passengers on his plane and escaped down the emergency chute with a couple of beers in hand. They are sending this guy to anger management. I bet that really irritates him.  I am not sure I would have gotten on this guy's plane anyway. He looks like someone who should audition for the role of Mayor the Munchkin village in the road tour of Wicked.

According to Glenn Beck half  a million people went to the mall to listen to him speak at the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Martin Luther King's speech. Other reports suggested it was no more than 87,000. Crazy! They were encouraged not to carry signs since it wasn't a political event. I suspect the real reason was they were afraid the spelling police would be out in force. He can't count and they can't spell. No wonder they are so attracted to one another.

But the craziest of the crazies is this Terry Jones character who decided to burn Korans on the anniversary of 9/11. He has graciously agreed not to burn the Korans if the builders of the Muslim community center that would include a mosque agree to move it to another location. This is a man who sells furninture out of his "church" on Ebay. The best solution would be to just let him burn the Korans and not film it.But that would be too much to hope for in the information age.


Of course like all of the craziest of the crazies he is claiming Jesus told him to do it.  I bet he went ahead and ate the toasted cheese that Jesus' face appeared on anyway.

In Praise of Bristol Palin (and Levi)

When I began this blog I said that I had no intention of actually knowing what I was talking about. That thesis is probably no more applicable than in this entry but if Congress can pass laws they don’t read why should I do research?. I am way too busy. You don’t rack up over 500,000 points on Bejeweled Blitz without practice.



I protested loud and long when a certain mother was named to the cast of Dancing With the Stars last season. And although I wish the show didn’t have to result to such stunt casting I can’t help but root for Bristol Palin.


In my view this is a young girl who through no fault of her own got thrust into the national spotlight when her mother was plucked from relative obscurity to prop up John McCain’s presidential campaign.


I can imagine the discussion in the Palin household when Bristol was told that she and Levi were going to announce their engagement and sit in the stand s and look pretty for the national press at the convention. I would like to think that it was Sarah who nixed their recent reconciliation. But at least their latest breakup makes his upcoming tell all book more likely.

You can’t blame a girl for liking a little attention or wanting to get out of Wasilla. She seems like a pretty normal young lady to me. I would rather see Levi on Dancing with the Stars but I doubt he has much aptitude for ballroom dancing. He was at least able to grasp the concept of holding a strategically placed towel for Playgirl a few months back.


She has said that she hopes to wear the most modest outfits in Dancing with the Stars history. Why? That shipped sailed out of Wasilla Harbor on prom night or whatever evening it was she and Levi hit the back of the pickup.


The one thing I  dread seeing is Momma Palin sitting beaming beside the dance floor. If she is holding Trig I may have to fast forward through the proceedings. That confused look on his face when she is holding him has nothing to do with the fact he has Down’s syndrome. Any kid that age that never sees his mother would  wonder what he was doing in Tina Fey’s arms.

300 Channels, Nothing to Watch

I have three hundred channels on my Direct TV and there is nothing to watch.


CBS is showing the US Open……Why watch? I can tell you now one of the Williams sisters is going to win. I tried to play tennis once. It took a lot more energy than it looked like. My calves hurt afterwards. Nothing was more embarrassing than when I took tennis and badminton in college. I had gotten used to all the other guys making fun of me in high school p. e. but college p.e. was coed, now there were girls laughing at me as well.


The History Channel never shows anything historical anymore. It’s all about pawn shops and ice road truckers. I guess they figured no one likes history. I do. But I guess a single viewer isn’t worth their trouble.


The Learning Channel  has taken the same tactic and stopped showing anything educational. I don’t regard watching someone raise more kids than they should have had in the first place educational. Besides, I don’t think they regard this as the cautionary tale it should be.


Logo, the gay and lesbian channel is in the middle of another Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon. Who came up with these marathons anyway? A programming executive on vacation?  And what is gay about Buffy the Vampire Slayer? The fact that lesbians are hot for her does not count.

 AMC, American Movie Classics is showing something less than five years old. I am 56 and don’t consider myself a classic yet. To me the film isn’t a classic unless it is older than I am. If I can remember when a movie was new then I still regard it as a new film.  If they want me to watch they better have Joan Crawford or Bette Davis on the screen.

Some poor woman is getting revenge for a rape she suffered at the hands of her no-good husband on Lifetime. I can only assume it is a different woman from last week. Don’t these women know not to marry anyone they meet on a Lifetime movie set?


The Hallmark channel is running a Who’s the Boss marathon. I guess they can no longer afford to “show the very best” since they started selling cards at WalMart.


MTV no longer shows videos. They have more important programming like Pimp My Ride to broadcast.

I refuse to keep up with the Kardashians on E! A guy has to have some standards.

The Real Housewives of D. C. are on Bravo. If they want to film some real housewives they need to find a nice trailer park where the women actually fix dinner and clean once in a while.


I am giving up and finding whatever channel that feisty little redheaded home economist Kathy is selling her GT Express on this weekend. I already wore out three of them. It’s time to order a new one. At least I don’t have to get out my credit card. All the operators have the number memorized by now.

Give me Glitz!

I miss the Ice Capades. Today the closest I get to them is watching Dancing With the Stars. Yes, I attend Smucker’s Stars on Ice but it doesn’t really attempt to even fill the void left by the loss of big glamorous ice extravaganzas. I blame Disney for this since they have been producing those god awful Disney on Ice revues. It is really hard to glam up Toy Story on Ice. Even when I was a kid myself I hated the “kids numbers” in the Ice Capades. And why they wasted my time with clowns I will never know. I wanted to see pretty girls in beautiful costumes with matching wigs and Vegas style headgear. The only comedy I needed was seeing which Ice Capette got left behind as she struggled to be the last to latch on to the pinwheel they formed before doing their high kicks.



Going to the Ice Capades was the highlight of my year. I still remember anticipating the start of the show, waiting until the lights went out, listening for the sizzle of the performers’ skates behind the curtain as the announcers’ voice filled the darkened arena. “Ladies and gentlemen….the very best, the Ice Capettes and Ice Cadets!”

A real orchestra played in those days as the skaters took their place and the lights came up to reveal the lavish costumes. I can still picture Aja Zanova with her beehive hairdo wearing a bright yellow cape escorted by two handsome Ice Cadets. She raised her arms letting a cloud of organza fly as the Ice Cadets took her cape and skated off (probably to fight over it themselves backstage) leaving her to go through her series of jumps and spins.


No Ice Capades penant for me. I always bought a souvenir program. It costs no more than fifty cents back then. Unfortunately none of my original programs are intact because for weeks afterwards I played Ice Capades in the darkness of my bedroom closet. (If that wasn’t a clue to my parents, I don’t know what was!) I would cut the pictures out, taping some of the solo skaters to Popsicle sticks and arrange the larger pictures in the back of a shoe box. I cut a slit in the top so the soloists could “skate” in front of the background. I used old Bunny Bread wrappers stretched over a flashlight for a spotlight and played for hours humming as much of the music from the show I could remember.

Today I have only Dancing With the Stars to fill this void on a regular basis. When they first started advertising this show a few years ago I was certain no one would want to watch it other than me. Happily I was wrong. Of course last season I was in heaven when Evan Lysacek was among the dancers. I don’t even mind that Bristol Palin is slated for this season. Glitz is glitz and I will take it any way I can get it. Since she has said she will be wearing only ‘modest’ outfits this can only mean one thing. There will be even more fabric to cover with sequins! Let’s face it. Levi doesn’t seem like the brightest light in the Aurora Borealis but I doubt even he wanted to see Bristol in something skimpy.