I Don't Trust Smiley People

I don't trust people who are happy all the time. They are either living in denial or about to get some serious pleasure out of doing something sinister. There is only one job suitable for a man as smily as Joel Osteen and it isn't preaching......he should be greeting people at Walmart.


He  appeared on Piers Morgan Tonight this week and declared that homosexuality is a sin. This is the man who doesn't like to talk about sin. He prefers talking about prosperity. He acts as if God is some giant slot machine. Of course you are more likely to hit the jackpot if you read one of his books. According to 60 Minutes he doesn't even like to talk about Jesus that often or even God. He probably doesn't need the competition. They're best seller has been flying off the shelves for centuries.  


But when it comes to gay bashing ole' Joel is right up there with the big boys. He told Piers Morgan this week he thought homosexuality was a sin. The Bible told him so although earlier in the broadcast he had made it clear he picks and chooses which scriptures to adhere to (a practice I can't say I am opposed to). Of course he followed this right up with the standard he has nothing against homosexuals line. They do buy books after all. And some of them don't have any more sense than to attend one of his so called church services. 


The scriptures he was eschewing were the  passages in the Bible that warm people not to build up wealth on earth.  Apparently he was too busy reading the parts of Leviticus he enjoyed. God wants us to prosper he claimed. I am sure God wants us to use up way more of the earth's resources than we are entitled to as well. 

I bet he doesn't like the scripture that states that "Where two or three are gathered, there I will be also," either since his "church" holds 18.000. If only two or three people showed up he wouldn't need those big screens he is so fond of.


Later in the week he declared he felt traditional worship was dead and that growing churches were going contemporary. Sorry Joel, what you are leading is NOT worship. Worship isn't about you or just feeling good. 


I don't think we should go back to the Puritan age of Sinners in the Hand of an Angry God but Joel seems to be serving up nothing but dessert at his services  I like sugar as much as any one but  even I am ready for a real dinner after breakfasting on Hershey Bars and lunching on  a couple of pudding cups. You have to have some meat and potatoes once in a while. Looks like Joel could use a little meat on his bones come to think about it. 

Given his modern approach to  worship it doesn't really make sense for Joel to hold these archaic views on homosexuality. I'm not making any claims but I do know that sometimes people  have their own reasons for "protesting too much" and Joel and his pretty little clingy blonde wife remind me of an infamous governor and his spouse. He may be completely straight but I won't be surprised if he ever comes out.

Long Live the King!

A few years back I decided I would enjoy the Oscars more if I actually saw as many of the films that were nominated before the ceremony. It didn't help. The broadcast was still one of the most boring shows of the year as they went on and on with one tribute after another.

I have no intention of seeing all the nominated films this year especially since for some insane reason they have decided to nominate 10 films for the last couple of years. Everyone knows that at least 7 of them have no chance in winning.

This year the winner will probably be either The King's Speech or The Social Network. It doesn't really matter to me as long as Colin Firth gets the recognition he deserves as best actor. He always brings great humanity to his roles portraying characters dealing with great personal conflict. I admire his work enormously. I figure since he was nominated for portraying a gay man last year and didnt win and is portraying a monarch with a great human story this year he has a great chance. Go Colin!

And even though I am not usually inclined to root for child actors I have to say I wouldn't be too irritated if Hailee Steinfeld won for her work in True Grit. I could never get interested in the John Wayne version of the film. Something about Kim Darby's portrayal of the role was too perky for me or maybe it was her awful haircut. Hailee's pigtails were much more appealing. She played the role of an adult like, determined young woman intent on avenging her father's death almost matter- of-factly. There was none of that "hey look at me!" attitude that often pervades juvenile performances. I enjoyed it immensely.

The State of the Union is Tonight. Thank Goodness For Joan

Tonight is the State of the Union address. It is preempting the Good Wife
The first president I remember seeing on television was Eisenhower. I don't remember much except that he was interrupting my television shows and you couldn't escape when you only had three channels. 

Thank goodness for cable. Tonight I can watch WE instead. They are premiering Joan and Melisssa. I actually hate to see Joan have to stoop to reality TV. As funny as she is on stage I am afraid she may come off as a little staged here. What am I saying? It's reality TV of course its going to come off as staged.

I know I am being unpatriotic by not watching the president speak. I wouldn't mind that so much if the analysts would just let him give his speech and not pick it apart the minute he is finished. Critical people are so annoying.

Maybe I have blocked it out of my memory but I don't remember the opposing party being given the chance to speak as soon as the president was finished when I was a kid.

I know we have a first ammendment  (it is such a pesky little thing when its rights are extended to people who disagree with me) but the party that didn't win the White House in the presidential election has no requirement to speak so why can't they just buck up and listen. The Constitution only requires the president to give a State of the Union report to Congress. Most presidents just sent the report to Congress. Woodrow Wilson was the first to address a joint session personally and it wasn't until FDR that it was actuallly called the State of the Union. See? You learned something today! (Let's just hope Wikipedia had that right)

Tonight in addition to the president and the Republican response we get that wackadoodle Michele Bachmann giving an adress for the Tea Party. God help us. I will have to catch it later on The Daily Show (the only truth telling organization left in this country). I will be watching Melissa pretend to be irritated at Joan.

Oprah has a Sister

Would someone please tell me what the appeal of Oprah is? Her name starts with O. Her magazine is simply called O. Her network is OWN. She is Obsessed with O. Maybe that is because she is such an Opportunist.

I swear I Only watched One minute of this dribble. I was determined not to Observe this historic Onnouncement that Oprah had been hawking all weekend through every media Outlet but when I turned On my TV yesterday afternoon there was the big O blubbering away with her new found half sister.

Call me callous but I don't find this an Outstanding Occasion.What would be really shocking would be to find a camera Oprah wasn't Obsessed with. I think it is a little Onerous that this  Onnouncement was made just a couple weeks after Oprah's new network was launched, a network that needs every ratings point it can find.

Maybe the woman is sincere. Maybe she is pure in heart. Maybe she is the greatest thing since cell phone customers were given free nights and weekends but does she have to be Omnipotent?

Of course Entertainment Tonight used this Occasion to do another Oprah story. They are Obsessed with Oprah. (I don't know why. I suspect Oprah has some dirt on Mary Hart.) On Entertainment Tonight Oprah was absolutely Overjoyed that her new half sister who had kept the secret since 1997 had not Once gone to the tabloids and tried to profit from the story.. I don't blame her. I would be holding Out for the big bucks tOO! Whatever Oprah is Offering has to be more than even the Enquirer can Offer.

Whatever, Oprah. I am tired of you being Omnipresent. I have a couple more O words for you, Oprah. You're Obnoxious and I can't wait till you are Obsolete.

Andy Cohen: The King (or Well You Know) of Tacky TV

I am always amazed that no matter what they claim to aspire to be when they start out, most cable channels soon disintegrate into whatever manifestation will garner ratings. Didn't Bravo once aspire to be a channel for quality programming? Or was that A & E? We see how far that got them in the ratings, Whatever it started out to be Bravo is now the home of countless Real Housewives series.

(Left to Right Kim, Lisa, Adrienne, Kyle, Taylor and Camille)

These women are all affluent but they always end up acting like trailer trash. (I don't say that to offend people who occupy trailers.)

No matter how bad I know these shows are I can't help being lured in occasionally. Such was the case with me and  The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills franchise. These girls have been nipped, tucked, botoxed and liposuctioned beyond recognition. You couldn't find that much plastic in a Tupperware warehouse.


I have been transfixed by the demise of Camille Grammer's marriage, sisters Kyle and Kim's estrangement and  the banishment of the hunky Cedric from fake little Lisa's mansion. You have to hand it to the British. They have a talent for stirring up trouble while remaining aloof, proving that you can say any vile thing you want but if you do it with a British accent no one will ever suspect you were the instigator. Only one of the Beverly Hills bunch seems to have any integrity at all, the beautiful Adrienne. She's going to have to develop some severe personality disorder if she wants to hang around for season two.


These shows are the worst of television. The only reason to watch any of the Housewives franchises would be if somehow you felt you had too many brain cells and wanted to get rid of a few.... so of course I am riveted.

The Real Housewives are the brainchild of Bravo's programming head, Andy Cohen. And may I just say that no matter how much tacky television Andy dishes up he is still the cutest thing to hit the small screen since that little dog on Petticoat Junction.

 It is so much fun to see him dishing with the girls in the Bravo Clubhouse which comes complete with lava lamps of course. This guy really gets the fact that these shows are pure kitsch. Still, I get the sense that Andy really does admire and respect these women desite the fact they have no socially redeeming qualities.

He really hit pay dirt with The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, filming Camille Grammer just as her marriage to Kelsey was breaking up. This woman is either delusional, manipulative or both but she is better TV than a train wreck.

I only have one beef with Andy. He gets  to play in the surf with James Bond (Daniel Craig) and I don't

Who is MIchelle Obama Kidding?

I am afraid. I am very afraid. I am afraid that in her quest to find a project worthy of her position as First Lady Michelle Obama is going to start messing with my Twinkies, Ho Hos, Cupcakes and Ding Dongs. Today she proudly announced that Walmart has agreed to start selling healthier foods at lower prices today.

Michelle has obviously never shopped at Walmart. Sure they will lower prices on some of Michelle's pet foods (none of which she bothered to serve up at her state dinner last night. The menu included rib eye steak, creamed spinach, double stuffed potatoes and apple pie ala mode for a total of 2441 calories.) After Walmart lowers those prices you can be sure to bet they will raise prices on Hershey Bars, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and Milky Ways. I live in a Walmart town. I am forced to shop there. I know how they operate.

This is my idea of government run amok. Why can't she make like Lady Bird Johnson and plant a tree or a shrub?  Or redecorate the White House like Jackie Kennedy. I am sure there is some paint peeling somewhere in the mansion. Or maybe she should make like Mamie Eisenhower and just go upstairs and have a little nip in the afternoon.

Why do First Ladies need a project anyway? Did anyone really believe Nancy Reagan cared about kids getting hooked on drugs or that Barbara Bush cared that much about literacy? She couldn't even get her own son to crack a  book.

The fact that Walmart is now the nation's largest grocer is the issue that really needs to be addressed. If she really wants to improve the quality of life in this country she would make sure the entire coutnry was being served by real grocery stores......like Aldis or 7-11.

In the meantime I propose that photographers only be allowed to take pictures of Michelle from behind. Until she tames that booty of hers she needs to bug out of my eating habits.

Quitters

Both Regis and Joe Lieberman announced their retirements this week. I stopped caring long ago.

I was never excited about Joe Lieberman's addition to the Gore ticket in 2000. In fact I thought he brought the ticket down. He and Harry Reid remind me of Droopy. But after his decision to run as an independent he seemed like nothing more than an opportunist to me, using his position in a  narrowly controlled Democratic Senate to bolster his own position. The idea that he might run as a Vice-Presidential candidate alongside John McCain did nothing to endear him to me although he might have saved the nation from having Sarah Palin a heart beat away from the presidency if by some miracle McCain had won the election.

I haven't watched Regis regularly in years. The stories of he and Joy's adventures around Manhattan got tired a long time ago.

I had the opportunity to get a glimpse of one of those evenings up close  a few years ago. I was attending the revival of Into the Woods (starring the incredible Vanessa Williams, one of the only bright spots in that production).

I spotted Regis, Joy and another couple come into the theatre and take their aisle seats in the orchestra section. The instant Regis sat down the lights went out. It was as if the curtain had been held so that Regis could wait till the last possible moment to take his seat.


Part of the fun of going to shows in NYC is that I often spot celebrities in the audience. New York audiences are pretty sophisticated so no one really makes a big deal about it. Most mingle about during intermission without causing a stir. And I have never seen any of them pressed by fans at intermission. Of course I generally have different tastes in shows than Justin Bieber.

It seemed Regis wanted to make sure he didn't have to deal with anyone. He sat in his seat throughout the entire intermission looking straight forward. The minute the house lights came up after the curtain call he and his party bolted back up the aisle and to his limousine. I was seated near the very rear of the orchestra section, far enough back so that I was in the lobby just after they passed through. I overheard a limo driver say, "I've seen him before. He's always like that. He won't talk to anyone." I assumed she was talking about Regis.

I had never witnessed another celebrity enter and leave like that. Most of the others I have seen just enter the theatre inconspicuously and speak politely to anyone sitting nearby that says hello. I have never seen a celebrity mobbed for autographs at a Broadway show, not even Jude Law. When he sat next to me at I Am My Own Wife a few years ago  I just greeted him like I would any other theater goer, with a kiss on the cheek and a little grope. I think he enjoyed it. (Sienna Miller was a little peeved however. I guess she was expecting one too.)

I remember seeing Henry Winkler sitting a few rows behind me as I was taking my seat once. It was early. Few others had been seated. I caught myself saying hello to him like he was someone I knew, forgetting that he would have no way of knowing who I was. (This used to happen to me in Walmart all the time when I was doing more shows with the community theatre. People see you on stage and they assume you know who they are as well.)

 I wouldn't have been close enough to interact with Regis but he didn't give anyone the chance to say hello. I stopped being a fan that day. It couldn't have been much fun for him either having to sit through intermission staring straight forward the entire time. I'm not sure he even talks to Joy anymore except on the days she cohosts.

The Saga of Rocky Continues

Here's Rocky looking for bird seed on the ground while he ignores the corn I put out (at great personal expense I might add) for him.

Saturday Larry and I headed off to Bucheit's the farm store here in Sparta. My intention was to buy a sling shot in an attempt to deter Rocky from getting into my bird feeder. It would have been the first weapon I had ever considering buying.

Something about what I was about to do wasn't sitting right with me. I knew if I bought a sling shot it wouldn't be long before I was on to the hard stuff. Could a b b gun or pistol be far behind? Soon I would be a card carrying member of the NRA  like Charlton Heston, daring people to remove an assault rifle from my cold dead hands. The thought of turning into a Republican was too much for me. "Maybe we should consider buying Rocky some food of his own," I suggested to Larry. Larry, who is way too nice to ever throw a lawn tool at a squirrel, agreed of course.

We found a bag of dried ears of corn and decided to treat Rocky to those. I returned home, filled the bird feeder and threw a couple of ears of corn on the ground for Rocky.

But you know children never eat what you put in front of them. Rocky is evidently a modern squirrel whose mother never told him the way mothers of  kids my generation did, "You're not getting anything else unless you eat what's put in front of you."

A while later Rocky was hanging upside down from a limb eating from the bird feeder. At least I didn't throw my lawn tools at him this time. I very humanely threw an ear of corn at him instead. The little ingrate didn't get the hint that the corn I was using as a projectile was his dinner. (This squirrel could never outsmart Boris and Natasha)

That evening when Larry was getting ready to leave he excitedly told me, "Oh, Gary Rocky is out here eating the corn!" But my triumph was short lived. When we turned on the porch light we found a rabbit sitting there! So now I have rabbits eating the squirrel food and a squirrel eating bird food. At least the birds get whatever bird seed spills onto the ground while Rocky feeds.

I've stopped filling the bird feeder again. If Rocky is going to eat the bird feed he can work for whatever I scatter on the ground by picking through the grass for it. I'm glad I didn't bother to rake my leaves last fall. Rocky deserves the challenge of having to rustle through them to find his dinner.

The Golden Globes

She Saw it in the Window and Couldn't Resist

Catherine Zeta Jones looks great in green but I couldn't help recalling the old Carol Burnett Went With the Wind skit when I saw her. There was a matching jacket but she couldn't fit it in the limo...the curtain rod was too long.

Yes award season has begun giving all us little people the thing we dream of most; the opportunity to feel better about ourselves by seeing rich, beautiful people show up wearing expensive clothes we can't afford but wouldn't buy anyway. In an effort to make myself feel better about my 100% cotton wardrobe let's just run down (literally) a few looks from tonight's red carpet.

The guys always have it much easier than the women. As long as they wear a tux they really can't go wrong.

Jake Gyllenhaal reminds us why we love him.

What is this guy in? I want to see it.

Love you, Chris Colfer and congratulations on the win.

For once even Johnny Weir dressed like a man.......What? That's not Johnny. Well I hope he was watching. He could pick up a few pointers.

A few people just showed up looking pretty, leaving me nothing to snark about. She can't keep this up forever. We'll get you next time Glee girl, Diana Agron.

I have never understood Edie Falco's appeal. But I did pay good money to see her naked on Broadway. I think she was naked anyway. Stanley Tuccy was naked at the same time so I was a little preoccupied. No wonder, even in red she's a little boring.

Julia Stiles, honey I love you because you look like my daughter Emily so much but you are too young to play it safe by wearing black. Pick a color, any color!

I don't know who Katie Lee Golden is. I am not sure she was headed to the awards. The beach is a few blocks away. I think she was headed there. If you look closely you will see there is  a swimsuit under there.

My mother used to have a set of towels just like this. She got them free in laundry detergent.

At least Helena Bonham Carter knows she went out looking like this. I've gone to school a few days wearing two different shoes. As long as her co-star, Colin Firth wins I don't care what she looks like.

Beautiful dress but Scarlett Johansson's hair looks like shes auditioning for a remake of the Bride of Frankenstein.

Let's hope poor Julianne Moore is getting her clothes for free......

And speaking of free January Jones looks like she's about to give it away.

Finally America Has Come to its Senses

No, I am not talking about a return to civility in public discourse following the tragedy in Tucson last Saturday. (We'll see how long those patriotic Americans at Fox allow that to happen)

No, I believe everything is finally right in this country now that the Miss America Pageant is returning to network TV.

It was absolutely Un-American for the networks to banish this hallowed institution to  cable TV the last five years especially when the trampier Miss USA and Miss Universe were allowed to remain on broadcast television. You really don't think Donald Trump gives Miss Universe a suite in Trump Tower for nothing do you? Rest assured there is a price to pay for that honor, my dears.

Miss America has talent! And now that I can record it and fast forward through anyone that isn't twirling batons I won't mind that part of the competition.

Where this pageant really went wrong was when they fired Bert Parks several years ago. Yes, he got to big for his britches. Yes he thought he was more important than the contestants but guess what. He was right. When he left the show it went downhill immediately.

To give the girls a taste of the cheesiness factor they had them visit Barry Manilow's Vegas show this week. I can just hear some long time pageant official telling Barry now, "I knew Bert Parks, Barry. You're no Bert Parks."

Today's Miss America is more relevant than ever. They have to have a platform to compete for the title. Who are they kidding? No one cares what Miss America's platform is. She's a throwback, a nostalgia figure.

 If they want to take the pageant into the 21st century they will crown a Mr. America too. If someone is going to be strolling down the runway in a Speedo on my television I want it to be Mr. Kansas not Miss Arizona.

My Bird Feeder is Empty!

You can imagine why my bird feeder is as void as Sarah Palin's right temporal lobe. I can tell you in one word: Rocky! I saw  the little varmint outside my window yesterday as I was gettting ready to head out to go substitute teach. Despite the fact that it was only nine degrees outside I went out in my robe (door checked to make sure it was not locked behind me this time) and threw a broom up into the tree at him. He scattered back to his tree but I know he was watching and saw me leave a few minutes later. (This guy could work for the CIA) Sure enough when I got home from school the entire feeder was empty and a big pile of birdseed was on the ground.

I haven't filled the thing up since. I have decided the most effecient way to feed the birds in my neighborhood is to just throw the seed on the ground. Rocky doesn't want to work hard enough to get it piece by piece and the birds don't seem to  mind.

Tossing out the bird seed instead of filling the bird feeder reminds me of the only funny argument my parents ever had.  It was a Sunday morning. Aren't most family fights on Sunday morning when good Christians are getting ready for church? My mom made the remark about fixing breakfast to which my dad angrily replied, "Well hell, all you do is throw the cookies on the table!" (As Karen once said on Will and Grace, "It's funny because it was true.") I don't remember the rest of the fight. It couldn't have escalated too far because we made it to church on time. But it's a good phrase to remind us all how silly some of the things we get uset over.....like trying to fight a squirrel over birdseed. I give up, Rocky, as you knew I would. You win!

I Hate it When I am Right

Maybe I should replace Sylvia Brown, Montel's favorite psychic. Apparently "golden voiced" Ted Williams has already checked into rehab. That was a little quick development even for me. I almost feel bad for writing about him......Almost.

 I mean no one forced him to splatter himself all over my television. The few times I saw him on TV before I switched the channel it was obvious this guy wasn't as "put together" as his handlers would claim. Still I had braced myself for being exposed to him for a few more months.

This is one of the aspects of our society that troubles me most. This insatiable need we seem to have to build people up to watch them fall. Just for the record; I never wanted Ted Williams to be elevated to celebrity status. Why do we have to discover people on You Tube? I prefer the old fashioned way of being discovered; sitting at a lunch counter in tight sweaters the way Lana Turner did.

Remember poor Nancy Kerrigan? She became America's darling after she got whacked in the knee by everyone's favorite trailer park temptress, Tonya Harding, went to the Olympics in sensational Vera Wang skating outfits and then fell from grace when she was overheard muttering that she didn't want to wear her silver medal riding down Main Street USA at Disney World.


Who could blame her? After years of early morning practices, spending a small fortune on coaching fees, ice time and designer skating outfits she finally achieves her goal, wins a medal and  then because of some deal with Disney in which athletes were asked to declare, "I wanna go to Disney World!"  she has to climb in the back of a convertible with a rodent.

One guy I hope doesn't fall from his pedestal soon is The Situation. I'm not sure appearing on Jersey Shore elevates one very high unless your high diving into a pool filled with bimbos and booze but I can't help liking this guy. Despite being put into staged situations at the Jersey Shore beach house he still managed to look like a kid in a candy store when the newest roommate stripped down for him last week. He's either one of the best actors on television or a kid who still manages to reveal a sense of wonder no matter how the producers try to manipulate him.

He made a return visit to  The View  this morning and again I found him refreshing. He seems pretty up front about being a kid that is just trying to get to the big time. I hope he has the smarts to make it. And I hope America has the smarts not to try to make him into more than he claims to be then blaming him when he doesn't meet their expectations.

A Face for Radio

OK.....I would like for whoever found this Ted Williams person on You Tube, picked him up, cleaned him off, gave him a job at MSNBC and plastered him all over my television to put him back where he belongs! He is too ugly to be on my television. If that is as good as he can look after having a New York City makeover he might as well go back to the streets.  

I have never subscribed to druggy makes good stories....look at Charlie Sheen. I just don't have any faith in the fact that someone who would go down that road would have the good sense to stay out of trouble for long. And now they have Dr. Phil involved. This story wasn't convoluted enough without getting him in on the act?

And while we are on the subject of people who should not be on my TV I see that Piers Morgan's first guest is going to be Oprah! Ech! Ech! Double Ech! I am normally a minutely open minded person. I would have watched Piers' first show if he had had anyone other than Oprah on. I guess she is willing to do just about anything to hawk that new network of hers. There's even a clip on CNN of Oprah telling Piers, "You're good!" That's all the endorsement I need.....to finally start watching FOX!

Too make matters worse while I write this advertisements for Be Good Johnny Weir are running. Where is Evan Lysacek when I need him?

Rocky Returns

After the snow last night I knew Rocky would be in the tree this morning. I have run out of lawn tools to throw at him, not to mention that fact that my lawn shears are now rusting in the snow. He hasn't managed to get the lid off the bird feeder but he does now know how to hang upside down from the limb so he can eat like a bird. But he doesn't eat like a bird he eats like a squirrel. He can finish off an entire feeder in one sitting.

 I chased him away once. He was back soon and realized there was nothing in my hand so he just sat in the tree waiting me out. Unfortunately for Rocky he didn't realize there was a side door and a utility room full of unsused tools that I can throw at him until I get to the farm store and get a sling shot. The next thing you know I will be buying a b b gun. From their it will be a semi-automatic. Rocky is turning me into Dick Cheney.