How I Lost out on Ever Being Cool

Isn't Jack Nicholson a little too old to be cool? I saw him in a preview for an upcoming film last night.He must be nearly 80. I bet he gets up at least three times every night to pee by now so how can he still be perceived as hip?  I guess the answer  is first impressions. From his early appearance in films he has been  perceived as cool so no matter how old or incontinent he gets he always will be.

I have never and probably never will be cool but I would like to try it just once for say a day. If the cool fairy gave me just one wish......now see what I mean?  There cannot possibly be a "cool fairy." Fairies are not cool. Cute perhaps. Adorable. But not cool.

I believe I missed out on my chance to be cool on the first day of junior high school. I still remember it. In the small town whereI grew up there were three elementary schools that fed into the junior high. I had the misfortune of having lived and attended elementary school on the wrong side of the tracks. Definitely not cool. We really did have  wrong side of the tracks. How I ended up there I will never know I was definitely not tough enough to survive in that environment.

Before school started on that first day we were all assembled on the bleachers in the gym waiting for the morning bell to ring. The sophisticated 8th graders were there with all the new 7th graders. Some smart alack boy I didn't know asked me a question I didn't really understand. Of course I didn't have enough sense not to answer.

"Are you queer?" he asked.

I hadn't heard of anyone being "queer". It seemed like a rather old fashioned word for a creep like him to be using. I assumed by queer he meant funny. I liked a good joke as much as anyone and I liked to believe I knew how to tell one so I responded in what I thought was a  friendly way.

"Yes!" I answered.

"He's queer!" the kid shouted to everyone within hearing range as they laughed hysterically.

I knew immediately that I had lost the question and answer portion of 7th grade initiation. (I still tend to refer to all new experiences according to what portion of the Miss America pageant they  fall under.) Thankfully the bell rang and we were all dismissed. I don't remember ever seeing him again. But somehow I had made my first impression and there was nothing I could ever do to take it back. I do not believe I have ever made a good one since.

But today at least I would have had a response for him. Today I would still answer, "Yes," but a bit more emphatically and unapologetically (provided I could still attend junior high in my fifties.)

So maybe we do need a "cool fairy." I nominate Tim Gunn.

If I had had Tim Gunn by my side on that first day of junior high he probably wouldn't have made my tormentor disappear but he could have at least pointed out the kid's lack of fashion sense as he consoled me on my way to my first hour. After all even in junior high I had a knack for coordinating my outfits without being too "matchy matchy." And that is sort of cool.