Finally America Has Come to its Senses

No, I am not talking about a return to civility in public discourse following the tragedy in Tucson last Saturday. (We'll see how long those patriotic Americans at Fox allow that to happen)

No, I believe everything is finally right in this country now that the Miss America Pageant is returning to network TV.

It was absolutely Un-American for the networks to banish this hallowed institution to  cable TV the last five years especially when the trampier Miss USA and Miss Universe were allowed to remain on broadcast television. You really don't think Donald Trump gives Miss Universe a suite in Trump Tower for nothing do you? Rest assured there is a price to pay for that honor, my dears.

Miss America has talent! And now that I can record it and fast forward through anyone that isn't twirling batons I won't mind that part of the competition.

Where this pageant really went wrong was when they fired Bert Parks several years ago. Yes, he got to big for his britches. Yes he thought he was more important than the contestants but guess what. He was right. When he left the show it went downhill immediately.

To give the girls a taste of the cheesiness factor they had them visit Barry Manilow's Vegas show this week. I can just hear some long time pageant official telling Barry now, "I knew Bert Parks, Barry. You're no Bert Parks."

Today's Miss America is more relevant than ever. They have to have a platform to compete for the title. Who are they kidding? No one cares what Miss America's platform is. She's a throwback, a nostalgia figure.

 If they want to take the pageant into the 21st century they will crown a Mr. America too. If someone is going to be strolling down the runway in a Speedo on my television I want it to be Mr. Kansas not Miss Arizona.

My Bird Feeder is Empty!

You can imagine why my bird feeder is as void as Sarah Palin's right temporal lobe. I can tell you in one word: Rocky! I saw  the little varmint outside my window yesterday as I was gettting ready to head out to go substitute teach. Despite the fact that it was only nine degrees outside I went out in my robe (door checked to make sure it was not locked behind me this time) and threw a broom up into the tree at him. He scattered back to his tree but I know he was watching and saw me leave a few minutes later. (This guy could work for the CIA) Sure enough when I got home from school the entire feeder was empty and a big pile of birdseed was on the ground.

I haven't filled the thing up since. I have decided the most effecient way to feed the birds in my neighborhood is to just throw the seed on the ground. Rocky doesn't want to work hard enough to get it piece by piece and the birds don't seem to  mind.

Tossing out the bird seed instead of filling the bird feeder reminds me of the only funny argument my parents ever had.  It was a Sunday morning. Aren't most family fights on Sunday morning when good Christians are getting ready for church? My mom made the remark about fixing breakfast to which my dad angrily replied, "Well hell, all you do is throw the cookies on the table!" (As Karen once said on Will and Grace, "It's funny because it was true.") I don't remember the rest of the fight. It couldn't have escalated too far because we made it to church on time. But it's a good phrase to remind us all how silly some of the things we get uset over.....like trying to fight a squirrel over birdseed. I give up, Rocky, as you knew I would. You win!

I Hate it When I am Right

Maybe I should replace Sylvia Brown, Montel's favorite psychic. Apparently "golden voiced" Ted Williams has already checked into rehab. That was a little quick development even for me. I almost feel bad for writing about him......Almost.

 I mean no one forced him to splatter himself all over my television. The few times I saw him on TV before I switched the channel it was obvious this guy wasn't as "put together" as his handlers would claim. Still I had braced myself for being exposed to him for a few more months.

This is one of the aspects of our society that troubles me most. This insatiable need we seem to have to build people up to watch them fall. Just for the record; I never wanted Ted Williams to be elevated to celebrity status. Why do we have to discover people on You Tube? I prefer the old fashioned way of being discovered; sitting at a lunch counter in tight sweaters the way Lana Turner did.

Remember poor Nancy Kerrigan? She became America's darling after she got whacked in the knee by everyone's favorite trailer park temptress, Tonya Harding, went to the Olympics in sensational Vera Wang skating outfits and then fell from grace when she was overheard muttering that she didn't want to wear her silver medal riding down Main Street USA at Disney World.


Who could blame her? After years of early morning practices, spending a small fortune on coaching fees, ice time and designer skating outfits she finally achieves her goal, wins a medal and  then because of some deal with Disney in which athletes were asked to declare, "I wanna go to Disney World!"  she has to climb in the back of a convertible with a rodent.

One guy I hope doesn't fall from his pedestal soon is The Situation. I'm not sure appearing on Jersey Shore elevates one very high unless your high diving into a pool filled with bimbos and booze but I can't help liking this guy. Despite being put into staged situations at the Jersey Shore beach house he still managed to look like a kid in a candy store when the newest roommate stripped down for him last week. He's either one of the best actors on television or a kid who still manages to reveal a sense of wonder no matter how the producers try to manipulate him.

He made a return visit to  The View  this morning and again I found him refreshing. He seems pretty up front about being a kid that is just trying to get to the big time. I hope he has the smarts to make it. And I hope America has the smarts not to try to make him into more than he claims to be then blaming him when he doesn't meet their expectations.

A Face for Radio

OK.....I would like for whoever found this Ted Williams person on You Tube, picked him up, cleaned him off, gave him a job at MSNBC and plastered him all over my television to put him back where he belongs! He is too ugly to be on my television. If that is as good as he can look after having a New York City makeover he might as well go back to the streets.  

I have never subscribed to druggy makes good stories....look at Charlie Sheen. I just don't have any faith in the fact that someone who would go down that road would have the good sense to stay out of trouble for long. And now they have Dr. Phil involved. This story wasn't convoluted enough without getting him in on the act?

And while we are on the subject of people who should not be on my TV I see that Piers Morgan's first guest is going to be Oprah! Ech! Ech! Double Ech! I am normally a minutely open minded person. I would have watched Piers' first show if he had had anyone other than Oprah on. I guess she is willing to do just about anything to hawk that new network of hers. There's even a clip on CNN of Oprah telling Piers, "You're good!" That's all the endorsement I need.....to finally start watching FOX!

Too make matters worse while I write this advertisements for Be Good Johnny Weir are running. Where is Evan Lysacek when I need him?

Rocky Returns

After the snow last night I knew Rocky would be in the tree this morning. I have run out of lawn tools to throw at him, not to mention that fact that my lawn shears are now rusting in the snow. He hasn't managed to get the lid off the bird feeder but he does now know how to hang upside down from the limb so he can eat like a bird. But he doesn't eat like a bird he eats like a squirrel. He can finish off an entire feeder in one sitting.

 I chased him away once. He was back soon and realized there was nothing in my hand so he just sat in the tree waiting me out. Unfortunately for Rocky he didn't realize there was a side door and a utility room full of unsused tools that I can throw at him until I get to the farm store and get a sling shot. The next thing you know I will be buying a b b gun. From their it will be a semi-automatic. Rocky is turning me into Dick Cheney.

I Love These People

In the Heights closed last night and it makes me feel sad. It had a healthy run but it deserved to run for years and years. So many Broadway shows have closed this week. I hope there is something still playing when Larry and I get to NYC next month.

I can't even admit to being the one that wanted to go see it too badly. A couple of years ago on a trip to NYC I insisted that Larry choose one show (although I vetoed the idea of seeing Phantom of the Opera, The Lion King or Mama Mia. I guess he didn't have much to choose from) He suggested In the Heights. I was dubious because I don't generally like rap music. But it has turned out to be one of my favorite shows.

I love the guy in this picture, Seth Stewart. PBS did a documentary on the show that featured a lot of footage about him and his struggles as a dancer, including the sacrifices he endured to perform in the show.

I fell in love with the characters. Tickets to Broadway show are so expensive but it's worth it because you get to relive the memories over and over when you listen to the original cast album. It's so good to see so many of the original cast was there for the closing performance. 

At least there is going to be a movie and Lin-Manuel Miranda gets to play Usnavi, the role he created. I can't wait to see it. I hope he takes along Christopher Jackson, Priscilla Lopez, Andrea Burns and  the others. For now I will have my album.

The link to the Playbill article is here: http://www.playbill.com/news/article/146491-Carnaval-Del-Broadway-In-the-Heights-Wows-Audience-at-Final-Performance

Afraid to Write

I have been afraid to post anything on this blog for the last few days, afraid that anything I write would add to the vitriol that pervades the media according to Sheriff Clarence Dupnik.

At first I applauded when  the sheriff  spoke out against what I conceived as the hate spewers on the right, people like Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck. It would be nice if we could blame the people that we disagree with for all the bad things that happen in this world.

But the fact of the matter is there is no explanation for what happened in Tuscon. The guy was off his rocker and that unfortunately is the end to any explanation, no matter how much we want to blame the people we disagree with. After all, we couldn't  blame Rachel Maddow if some militant left leaning lesbian mowed down a placard wielding religious fanatic at a Fred Phelps rally. We'd just blame it on her estrogen level and lack of access to Maybelline.

Should Sarah Palin have put images on line that show different congressional districts in the cross hairs of a rifle? No. But what should Sarah Palin do other than apologize and  head back home to Alaska to feed Trig? I doubt we will hear an apology. As for feeding Trig, I doubt she is going to do that herself unless there is a photo op involved. As misguided as Sarah is at least she aims her guns at animals whether you like it or not. The gunman did seem to call out people with poor grammar though so the Sarah detractors may have some basis for criticism there.

That damn first amendment is so tricky sometimes. If only they had put in a clause that guaranteed free speech to only the people I agree with.

You can be assured that from now on  I am going to pray like the dickens for Kate Gosselin's safety. If anything happens to that woman I will be the first one the authorities come looking for once Jon's alibi is substantiated.

When Did I Turn into Jane Hathaway?

Despite the fact I have enough Christmas gift wrap to last two more Christmases  I found myself in the Christmas section of Walmart  the week after Christmas. By some miracle no new glittered or foiled wrap caught my eye but I turned the corner and spotted the bird feeders and birdseed left over from when the place had been a garden center.

I have an out of control crab apple tree in my front yard and despite the fact I have never fed them, each winter a couple of cardinals nest there.They had been on my mind over the recent snowfalls so I picked up an inexpensive feeder and some premium bird mix fortified with vitamins. I figure someone on my property should be eating healthily and it sure isn't going to be me. (Excuse me now while I go get another Tootsie Roll.)

I filled the feeder and I must admit I have enjoyed watching the birds feed through the big picture window in my living room. The feeder even attracted a couple of blue jays. Then Rocky found it. I only know one squirrel name, Rocky so Rocky is the name I have given to my knew nemesis in life. (Move over, Kate Gosselin.)

The first time I found the feeder tipped over was last weekend when I returned from visiting Larry in Paducah. There had been storms and even some tornadoes in the area while I was gone so I just assumed that was the cause. I sat it right and thought no more about it The  next morning it was tipped over again. I adjusted it  again, this time blaming the fact that I had bought a cheap feeder at Walmart.

The next day I walked outside and there was Rocky perched in a branch near the feeder with his cheeks stuffed with birdseed. He had consumed so much he should have been able to fly like his namesake at that point. Ten thousand trapshooters coverge on Sparta every year and not one around when you need them.

I brought the thing inside,  taped the "roof" to the bottom within an inch of its life and set it back in the tree.

The only problem was I was still in my robe (after all it was only noon). and I had shut my front door behind me. I was locked out of the house. Again! Thank goodness my neighbors were all at work because I managed to expose my best side to their dogs when I finally managed to grab a ladder, dislodge a window and crawl through.

The tape is holding but restocking the  feeder is now a major pain in the part of my anatomy that finally shut those barking dogs up. I think I finally found away to frighten them.

How Did Mark McGwire Hurt You?

I am not a baseball fan. Larry and I finally went to a ballgame in the new stadium last spring and stayed for an inning and a half. It was 95 degrees in May and the sun was brutal. There was no way I was going to tan unevenly just to watch a baseball game. But we would have left anyway because the game is bo-o-o-o-ring. I had to take out a new mortgage to finance the cost of a hot dog and a soda. Where is Suze Orman when I need her?

There are few baseball players that ever captured my attention. Mark McGwire was one of them. There was never  time I didn't think he was on steroids. All you had to do was watch one of his post game interviews wearing those sleeveless shirts with arms the size of hams on display to figure it out.

I loved it when he went before Congress and refused to answer the questions they already knew the answer to. They have a lot more important things to investigate like why captains of Navy ships are making homophobic videos. (That guy is gay by the way. No one who makes that many demeaning gay jokes is straight.  It's only a matter of time till he is caught tapping his foot in some mall restroom)

Today the sports writers gave McGwire only 19% of the votes he needed to enter the Hall of Fame.

He didn't break any rules! And he didn't fool anyone with a brain larger than a peanut. .I could have arms the size of cattle and still not be able to hit a ball coming at me at 90 miles an hour. I would be too busy ducking.

I am tired of this country putting people up on pedestals only to knock them down. He will make it into the Hall of Fame someday, probably for his appearance on Mad About You. You might as well forgive him now, you arrogant sports writing asses.

Just Have the Operation, Johnny!

I know I am supposed to like him but I can't take it any longer. Johnny Weir is fueling all the negative connotations of male figure skating by his constant need for attention.

I have always enjoyed the men's figure skating events over the women. Dorothy Hamill and Nancy Kerrigan were the last women that held my attention. The men just have so much power and athleticism on the ice with their huge jumps. You won't find Johnny concentrating on that. He's too busy trying to be noticed. Hello!!! You are out there alone center ice. Skate like a man!

He doesn't only give male figure skaters a bad name he gives gay men a bad name by feeding into all the stereotypes people have anyway. I think he makes life harder for gay men not to mention gay teens.

I am still an Evan fan. Go Evan! Love the ESPN body issue pics.

Do We Really Need This Much Inspiration?

2011 is supposed to be the year when I finally get the opportunity to live my best life. I know this because Oprah told me so.


Yes. Yes! I caved. My curiosity got the better of me over the weekend and I tuned in just to see what Oprah was sharing.


I  thought that Direct TV wasn't going to carry OWN but they are. Geez couldn't they just put on another ESPN or religious channel?  I suppose Jan Crouch over on TBN is running out of pastel colors to tint her hair and only the big O can provide the makeover inspiration she needs. Sorry, Jesus when it comes to cosmetics no one can touch Oprah's team.

Behind the Scenes of Season 25 was playing when I switched on the television. The title was something  like that. I told you I wasn't going to do research for this blog. And I am certainly NOT going to break that rule for an Oprah post. I  might find something I like about her and I would no longer have a reason to live.


Later that day the episode was running in reruns. It's nice to know that not even Oprah has enough money to run original programming on her network 24 hours a day. What I really wanted to see was behind the scenes of Behind the Scenes. The whole thing looked pretty homogenized to me. I am nothing if not fair though and I do applaud Oprah for appearing on camera feeding her cat without makeup (Oprah was without makeup ,not the cat. As finicky as cats are the cat probably insisted on makeup even for Oprah Behind the Scenes. Wait...it  may have been a dog....I warned you I am not doing research for an Oprah post)


Another program was an overview show featuring Oprah introducing the network. The set was gorgeous, vibrant hues of orange, green and blue. Oprah was in a white off the shoulders outfit (the shoulders are always the last to go!) She looked a lot like Jesus. I bet he wishes he could afford his own network.

I tried, I really tried to watch Oprah's All Stars (I am sure of that title. See, part of my memory is still intact.) But I just cannot stand Suzie Orman. I thought she was supposed to be a financial expert or something but her advice always starts with her saying, "Now take your first thirty thousand and put it in CDs. Take your next thirty thousand and put that in bonds but hold on to that last 30,000 and keep it somewhere liquid." If I had that kind of money I wouldn't need your advice, Suze. Call me when you can help me turn the $4.50 that's left in my checking account at the end of the month into a Park Avenue penthouse.


The show that really depresses me is the reality competition show they are promoting that will give some lucky contestant their own talk show. Damn me for having standards. If I had been following Oprah the last year or so I could have auditioned for this show. I doubt I would have made the cut. I don't think offending people is Oprah's idea of living your best life.

I am too Old for my Phone

Sometime while Anderson Cooper and Cathy Griffin were ringing in the new year my Blackberry Storm decided to die. I believe this was because earlier in the evening I did that thing which I know not to do; allow Facebook to perform an update on my device. If Congress was of any value to the country at all they would ban all computer and cell phone updates within twelve miles of the nation's borders.

I naively assumed that a simple rebooting and recharging of my phone would set things aright but despite numerous trips to my truck in the middle of the night to check on the progress of the recharging (I had left my regular charger at home before I went to Larry's for the new year) my phone remained dead.

All of this means I am the new owner of a device known as a Droid. I realize of course that this means at the young age of 56 I have lived too long on this earth. Jesus take me now. I have outlived my usefulness on the planet.

Back when I bought my Blackberry I suspected that I was trekking beyond  my technological abilities. Within half an hour of owning it I returned it to the Verizon store claiming the touch screen was faulty. Guess what? It wasn't the screen. It was my touch. I still hold to the resolve that it was the phone's problem. If Helen Keller had had to develop the same sense of touch required to manipulate a Blackberry to "talk" she would have happily remained incommunicado.

"But have no fear," the friendly (translation: works on commissiont) sales rep that sold me my Droid today asssured me that this device is light years ahead of my old Blackberry. "Those Blackberries just weren't suited for apps," she informed me while the phrase, "There's an app for that," rang through my head.

I know that learning my new phone is just a matter of learning a new vocabulary, finding where the buttons, sensors or icons lie on my new phone to complete the simple tasks that I was finally learning to negotiate on my Blackberry. But I also  know as soon as I get comfortable with this thing that it will die as untimely a death as my last two phones. 

I am tempted to drain a couple cans of canned corn this afternoon, find an ice pick, make a  holes in the bottoms and get some string so I can finally build me a phone that will last. Text nessages were a lot simpler when I had my last phone of this type too, as long as there were some flat pieces of bark and charcoal lying around.