My Rules of the Road

I don’t get in my truck unless I need to go somewhere and when I do I don’t want other drivers in the way. This includes ambulances and emergency vehicles. It is a well documented fact that most fires are caused by people who are smoking in bed anyway so there is no reason the fire truck should have to hurry to get in front of me to answer this call. Have you ever noticed how slow most emergency equipment travels? It’s an emergency! Step on it and get out of my way.

There is really no reason for me to get out of the way of an ambulance. Today’s emergency vehicles are as well equipped as most hospital emergency rooms. (If you ever watched Grey’s Anatomy you know that most interns are leading such complicated lives they don’t really have time to deal with you when you get to the hospital anyway.) Besides, that person having a heart attack had probably been warned by his doctor to cut down on cholesterol years ago.



Semi trucks should have their own roadway system. They should not share mine. They are too big and might do serious damage. Sitting all day is not good for truckers’ health. If they are going to continue to share my roadway they should just get out and take a break when they see me coming.


Farm equipment should only be used on country roads. By this I mean gravel or dirt. If the road is paved they should not travel on it. The solution is simple; buy a different tractor or combine( or whatever you call it now) for each field you plant. I am sure no one will mind paying the exorbitant grocery prices necessary to “implement” this new rule. (pun intended)


If you are operating another standard sized vehicle on a roadway you are sharing with me just follow these basic rules:

 If you are ahead of me, speed up.

 If you are behind me, slow down.

 If you have the right of way, take advantage of it. Do NOT direct me to go ahead.

 If you get to the four-way stop first, Go!

If you are driving on a divided highway or interstate, learn proper lane usage. The left lane is for people going above the speed limit. The police will not arrest you if you are in the left lane. I am almost positive this is true. (I did go ahead and pay my fine anyway because I am very patriotic. Ask Glenn Beck. He can vouch for me.)


I look forward to the day when someone devises a communication system to allow me to directly communicate between vehicles. I think we have all wanted to talk directly to the person ahead of us or behind us. Mothers with small children would be well advised not to travel with them once I obtain this device unless the children are wearing  industrial strength earplugs. 

 I realize of course that I will be the victim of a justifiable homicide within hours of this device being installed in my vehicle. Most people are just so unreasonable.