Get a Debit Card Old Man!

I never quite feel like I belong at the farm store here, surrounded by brands like Dickies, Osh Kosh and Carhart with the smell of animal feed permeating the air. I usually just go in for the bulk candy but latley I have been going in to pick up plants or gardening supplies. The staff always look at me as if they know I don't live on a farm.

The check out girls all seem to know I am an imposter. Maybe I don't fling my bag of Bit 'O Honey and Tootsie Rolls onto the counter in a macho manner. (I would defy even John Wayne to accomplish this task.) Or maybe they notice that I don't handle the hardware items I occasionally purchase with authority.

They view me with suspicion. Maybe they just don't trust a man with exposed toes. (I am usually in flip flops.) Perhaps their insurance liability doesn't cover anyone who isn't wearing steel toed boots. Whatever it is the checkout procedure is always unpleasant.

Last week I was trying to balance the new trellis I had bought for my morning glories along with some wire cages for my blackberry bushes and bag of candy. They have four checkout lanes but of course only one is open along with the customer service desk which I figure is only for people in overalls. So I line up behind two other men with my trellis balanced against a shelf filled with authentic miniature models of farm animals, the kind I envision aspiring 4-H members playing happily with for hours instead of wasting time on video games. I am really wanting to get out of there and dig into my Bit-O-Honeys but the guy at the register is wrting a check....SLOWLY......

He FINALLY hands it to the checkout girl who is friendly and homey with everyone but me. It doesn't go through! Something is wrong with the computer program. She has to call over someone from customer service. She informs the rest of us in line that we can checkout at the customer service desk but when I look over there I already see four sets of Osh Kosh and Dickies labels emblazoned on the backs of overalls and waistbands. Clearly I do not belong in that line. So I wait it out.

Why? Why? Why are people still writing checks in this day and age? If even the farm store checkouts are all computerized isn't it time for you to get a damn debit card old man? No one really wants you to write checks any more. The stores view anyone who still writes checks with more suspicion than a flip flop wearing, trellis toting town boy with a bag of Tootsie Rolls.

If the act of writing a check wasn't long enough the stores that still accept them make you jump every hoop imaginable after writing one. They run it through the cash register  to authenticate it then still ask you to verify the address and phone number clearly printed at the top.

If the guy doesn't want to carry a debit card couldn't he at least stop by one of the other businesses in town, you know; a BANK and withdraaw some cash to carry with him so I don't have to wait? That wouldn't save any time either. He'd probably be one of those people who pay with cash but then insist on digging down deep in their pockets to pay with the EXACT change.

Maybe that is the tell tell sign that sets me apart at the farm store; my impatience. Everyone else there seems to really be enjoying themselves, content to just wander the aisles, inhaling the fumes of the feed, searching for whatever treasures are hidden away on the back shelves.

I am afraid to go back there. I passed live chickens once back in the deep recesses of the farm store where the smell of the feed intensifies. They had a rooster in a cage sqawking his head off. (I think he was horny) Even he eyed me with suspicion. I don't think he liked the color of my tail feathers.