I Can't Possibly Have ADD.....Because THERE IS NO SUCH THING

I am tired of people telling me I have ADD (and you know who you are!).

THERE IS NO SUCH THING. (and no I am not yelling at you just because I put this in all caps....I am just trying to EMPHASIZE it.....oh all right, that time I yelled.)

ADD was invented by a pharmaceutical executive who had been called on the carpet for lagging sales figures. Luckily he looked out the window and spotted an unruly child who's parent was unable to discipline him and voila! a new disease was born.

Parents of kids in my generation did not need mood altering drugs to control their children or maintain their own sanity. They had something much more effective. In my father's case it was his belt. In my mother's case it was her fly swatter.

Once the sales of Ritalin shot through the roof the pharmaceutical company needed a sequel so they came up with ADHD so they could sell even more drugs.

I feel sorry for today's parents. I often see them out in public unable to control a screaming child. Thirty years ago no one would complain if a parent cut a tantrum short with a swift smack on the posterior but if they get caught doing that in public today some bleeding heart would whip out their cell phone to call child welfare, not that they are going to show up until the kid hits puberty but it is enough of a deterrent to keep parents from disciplining their children.

Think of all the wasted hours today's young parents have to spend reasoning with a two year old or devising reward systems more intricate than an American Airlines frequent flier program. Even a two year old knows that's bogus. So of course they are going to pick their nose in public and wail about it when you try to gently remove the offending finger.

The only socially acceptable solution seems to put your kid on drugs.

If Oprah is still around in twenty five years (I fear she will be. Besides we couldn't be so lucky to think that Gayle wouldn't survive if Oprah passed no matter how many road trips they take together.) I am sure she will do an entire series on her network about how much worse drugging children was than lovingly hitting them. Which is worse after all, stinging their bottoms for a few seconds or messing with their minds for years?

Sparta Needs its Own Television Station

Maybe I am just waterlogged after the wettest spring in recent history but after listening to thunder shaking my house to its soggy foundation a few nights ago I am convinced that it is time that Southwestern Illinois get its own television station. St. Louis meteorologists had already been tracking storms for hours but by the time the storms moved into the Sparta area the weather staffs were so beleaguered they couldn’t have been moved to notice a storm moving through Sparta unless it had reversed itself and started moving towards The Arch.

The ice storm coverage of last winter set a new record in the annals of being “egregiously overlooked.”  (to quote Julie Andrews) After days of predicting a record snowfall that never materialized maybe the meteorologists were too embarrassed to mention the storm but in the meantime there was nothing but a perfunctory mention of the ice that had turned Sparta into a perfect setting for a sequel to The Ice Queen.

St. Louis media outlets don’t just ignore those of us in Illinois when it comes to the weather.  When I commuted to St. Louis a few years ago for a summer job I routinely sat motionless on the Poplar Street Bridge while radio stations listed slow down after slow down with only occasional mentions of “the usual problems on the East Side.”

Even big events like the Grand American seem to get little attention from St. Louis stations. Not that I want to see Virginia Kerr near a firearm, even one that only shoots clay pigeons. She is just the kind of perky reporter they would send out here. Perky people are annoying. You would think that a CBS affiliate would realize that after suffering five years with Katie Couric in the network’s anchor chair.

Perhaps if the Cardinals had moved to Illinois St. Louis TV outlets would have admitted that there are intelligent forms of life on this side of the Mississippi. Only St. Louis would have built a beautiful new stadium smack up against the side of an interstate where any forward thinking terrorist could easily lob a bomb onto right field from an SUV anyway.

How can a metropolitan television station in Missouri hope to understand viewers in Southern Illinois? In Illinois we have enough sense to keep our roads open while we rebuild them instead of shutting them down completely. Of course it takes years to get projects finished this way. I have a feeling I am going to miss the two “temporary” stop lights on route 4 by the time construction is completed.  

I believe Missourians’ perception of Illinois has been skewered by the fact that a few (okay a LOT) of strip clubs have been built on our side of the river. I have had conversations with Missourians who have no idea what is in Illinois other than loose women and loose slots. But the Mississippi River shouldn’t be a barrier when it comes to news coverage. There are bridges to get you across it in minutes. Dispatching a few of those news trucks to Illinois shouldn’t be that difficult.

I don’t believe we have any other choice than to apply for a broadcasting license ourselves. With all the improvements T-Bone is making out at WHCO maybe he could go one step further and start broadcasting a television signal as well. If he needs a weather man I can help out.  I just installed a great new weather app on my e-reader. I’m not as accurate as Dave Murray or as personable as Kent Ehrhardt but I work very cheaply.

Why is She Promising to Go Away?

Oprah ended her reign over daytime TV with three, count them THREE farewell episodes the last of which surprise, surprise consisted of just her alone on stage. Gag! Gag! Gag! Gag! Gag!!!!! We should have known this is how it would end. Who else starts a magazine and puts herself on the cover every month? I wonder if her real name is Oprah? Wasn't it Narcissus?

Why is she making such big deal of leaving when she is getting her own damn channel?

I have to admit I actually watched OWN last weekend. I watched Becoming Chaz, the story of Chastity Bono's transition to becoming male. I thought it was fascinating. He really seems to be happy with his change. I am glad for him.

I do not plan on making a habit of watching OWN. I feel like I should be applauded for having the courage to live my life without seeking Oprah's ever present guidance, don't you?

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Nothing! Absolutely nothing. Congressman Aaron Schock posed for Men's Health magazine and set off a debate as to whether it was appropriate or not for a Congressman to appear shirtless on the cover of a magazine.

Why not? The magazine is devoted to fitness and health. He hasn't been caught taking bribes or handing out favors to contributors. He is just promoting a healthy life style and increasing magazine sales I am sure with all the publicity.

The Constitution says you have to be twenty-five years old, a resident of the state they represent and a U.S. citizen for seven years. Nowhere does it state that you have to have a big belly and hair growing out your ears. Sure, most of them do but it isn't a requirement.