My Rules of the Road

I don’t get in my truck unless I need to go somewhere and when I do I don’t want other drivers in the way. This includes ambulances and emergency vehicles. It is a well documented fact that most fires are caused by people who are smoking in bed anyway so there is no reason the fire truck should have to hurry to get in front of me to answer this call. Have you ever noticed how slow most emergency equipment travels? It’s an emergency! Step on it and get out of my way.

There is really no reason for me to get out of the way of an ambulance. Today’s emergency vehicles are as well equipped as most hospital emergency rooms. (If you ever watched Grey’s Anatomy you know that most interns are leading such complicated lives they don’t really have time to deal with you when you get to the hospital anyway.) Besides, that person having a heart attack had probably been warned by his doctor to cut down on cholesterol years ago.



Semi trucks should have their own roadway system. They should not share mine. They are too big and might do serious damage. Sitting all day is not good for truckers’ health. If they are going to continue to share my roadway they should just get out and take a break when they see me coming.


Farm equipment should only be used on country roads. By this I mean gravel or dirt. If the road is paved they should not travel on it. The solution is simple; buy a different tractor or combine( or whatever you call it now) for each field you plant. I am sure no one will mind paying the exorbitant grocery prices necessary to “implement” this new rule. (pun intended)


If you are operating another standard sized vehicle on a roadway you are sharing with me just follow these basic rules:

 If you are ahead of me, speed up.

 If you are behind me, slow down.

 If you have the right of way, take advantage of it. Do NOT direct me to go ahead.

 If you get to the four-way stop first, Go!

If you are driving on a divided highway or interstate, learn proper lane usage. The left lane is for people going above the speed limit. The police will not arrest you if you are in the left lane. I am almost positive this is true. (I did go ahead and pay my fine anyway because I am very patriotic. Ask Glenn Beck. He can vouch for me.)


I look forward to the day when someone devises a communication system to allow me to directly communicate between vehicles. I think we have all wanted to talk directly to the person ahead of us or behind us. Mothers with small children would be well advised not to travel with them once I obtain this device unless the children are wearing  industrial strength earplugs. 

 I realize of course that I will be the victim of a justifiable homicide within hours of this device being installed in my vehicle. Most people are just so unreasonable.

How did This Happen to Me?

I don't know who to blame for this. Joy Behar? Judge Mathis? Susan Lucci? Direct TV? But somehow over the course of the last year I have become hooked on All My Children again. 

After I retired I fell into the habit of watching The View every mornig at ten. I would leave the TV on and listen to Judge Mathis while I played games on Facebook or browsed the internet. While I was making lunch I would overhear the sounds of All My Children wafting into the kitchen.

I had been free of the trials and tribualtions of the people of Pine Valley for so long. In fact I didn't even recognize some of them.

But now a terrible thing has happened I actually know who Krystal is and what her relationship to Marissa is. May I just say Marrissa is the mousiest character on daytime TV and there is no way in hell  that she will ever deserve the very hot, Brad Pitt lookalike J. R.

The nasty Liza is back and played by a very striking actress. She even flirted with her daughter's boyfriend just like her own mother would do.

Opal dispenses her down home witticisms. But I sill miss Doothy Lyman in the role.

 Jessie and Angie are back. She is about to go blind. I cannot desert her now.

I still see the plots coming a mile away. I knew the hunky mountain man that rescued Erica from a  plane crash was going to come between her and Jackson. No wonder Erica whisked Jackson off on a pre-wedding world tour so she wouldn't have to confront her attraction to mountain man Caleb. (That and the fact that her contract obviously calls for extended time off since the show has moved to L.A.)

But I still miss the old characters that inhabited Pine Valley when the show was first introduced; Mona, the Martins but especially Phoebe Tyler played by Ruth Warwick. I still remember her referring to one of the many young women she disapproved of dating one of her young relatives. "That woman is dressed for sex!" she declared haughtily. Of course this was all before the advent of Madonnna. Practically everyone on the show is "dressed for sex these days. Or is that the Young and The Restless? Such are the hazards or trying to follow more than one soap.Everyone on the Young and the Restless is always "dressed for sex."

Emmy Fashion

Evil thoughts on Emmy fashion. For the most part all the good looks were boring. So let's focus mostly on the What Were They Thinking Category

I believe Michael Kohrs would say, "Too matchy matchy," with the hair. I do like the lines of the dress however.

Honey we all know that your'e packing heat. You don't have to remind us every time. But I wouldn't like this dress anyway.

I love you Heidi, But if you bend over you are going to get arrested.

Perfection!

Do your hair before you go out for the nght. As for the dress I hope it's a loaner. Who would pay for this?

The only thing more beautiful when she was on stage was her accessory, Christoper Meloni.

Love the dress, love the color, love the detail on the bodice. Congrats on the Top Chef win!

If you're only famous for being famous you better look good on the red carpet and she did!

Loved this dress. Hated the hair.

I don't get the excitement over her show or her dress. Everyone seemed to love it. It just struck me as another award show dress.

Sacrilege

I refuse to even mention them by name (they remind me of the class clowns that the teacher told you to ignore because the more attention they got the more they misbehaved) but what is being done this weekend at the Lincoln Memorial is a travesty.

Living in America is difficult. We are a nation with high ideals. And sometimes that means we have to allow points of view that are different from our own to be heard no matter how distasteful. But the "leaders' appearing two steps below where Martin Luther King gave his I Have a Dream Speech are nothing more than opportunists advocating policies that are not in the best interest of the people who find them appealing.

Fear is powerful But none of us is at our best when we are motivated by fear. Let's all hope that these "leaders" are soon revealed to be the hypocrites they are.

Would You Let Either of These Men Dress You?

I absolutely loathe, detest and generally just don’t like On the Road with Austin and Santino. I watched one full episode, got halfway through another and have boycotted the rest even though it follows my beloved Project Runway.



I have never been a fan of Santino. He may be talented (you won’t hear me saying that) but there is no way I would let a man who grooms (and I use that term loosely) and dresses himself the way Santino does give me advice on what to wear.


As a judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race he belittled my favorite contestant, Shannel to the point that she/he quit. (I never know how to refer to a drag queen. I wouldn’t want to offend them.)


Austin is worse in my book. He should just have the damn operation if he is going to act that feminine. I know this is politically incorrect but gay men like Austin don’t realize what a hard time they give the rest of us. On second thought having a sex change wouldn’t work for him. No woman in America is that prissy.


The whole premise of the show is to have these two clowns  bring culture to rural America. We are so lost without you, you condescending creeps.


I guess they think they are making the supreme sacrifice by journeying out to Middle America. At least once in each episode I watched Austin put on his drag and found a public place to parade where he was hoping to get reactions out of the locals. In one episode he went to a small town general store looking for fabric, knowing full well he would find none he could use. He pranced around the store for a while trying his best to get a rise out of the store owner and his son. To their great credit they just said nothing, showing more tolerance than Austin could ever dream of.


Aren’t city dwellers supposed to have more tolerance than us poor country bumpkins? They don’t show it in this monstrosity of a show.


Oh and the dresses I saw were not impressive at all. Nothing some poor rural girl couldn’t order offline even if she had to wait for dial up. It would be worth it not to have to put up with this patronizing pair.


(Note: The American Psychiatric Association previewed this post and found no sign of an underlying psychological disorder by it's author. Apparently there is no diagnosis for bitterness)

My Definition of HD tv is not High Definition

Every time I go to our newly remodeled Walmart (No, the remodel was not worth the trouble it caused me.) I find myself looking at the wall full of HD televisions.

It will be months before I buy one, perhaps years but I am intrigued. I have heard you can count the blades of grass on the football fields and see the players' drops of perspiration. (But wouldn't I actually have to tune in some sort of ball game to see this?).

Then I get home and watch my television and I think to myself, "How much better does my picture need to be?" I can see Thomas Gibson on Criminal Minds very clearly already. And I have to admit he looks pretty darn good.  (So much better than when he was always hanging around that irritating Dharma....no, I do not find quirky appealing.)

You see I still remember when I got my first thirteen inch color television. I watched things I didn't even like just to see what they looked like in color. The NBC peacock had really been pretty useles in black and white.

When I grew up you were content if your television picture didn't have snow, wasn't rolling or the sides of the picture weren't caving in. At our house you had to watch it like that for a few weeks until you had enough money  to call the tv repairmen. (Yes, kiddies there were actually real, live television repairmen back then who came to your house and put in new tubes.)  And you prayed, prayed, prayed that all he had to do was put in one of the smaller ones. The last phrase you wanted to hear was,  "I am afraid you need a new picture tube."

You got three channels and you had to watch your programs at the exact time they were scheduled. And you were grateful you could get all three  channels because Grandma's tv only got ABC. Thank God General Hospital came on there. But you were out of luck if you wanted to know what Lisa was up to on As the World Turns. Erica had not been invented yet and Susan Lucci had yet to pout over her first Emmy loss.

When I do finally buy this HD tv it is the last television upgrade I am going to buy. If they upgrade televisions any further I will expect Julianna Marguilies to show up at my house in person to act out episodes of The Good Wife. And she better bring Alan Cumming and Archie Panjabi with her. (If you don't know who Archie Panjabi is you need a serious upgrade)

The Only Good Place for a Cat

Some crazy lady in England was recently caught on video throwing a cat into the garbage. But was she really crazy? Perhaps not.

I mean the only good place for a cat is in the trash. If they had their way that is where they would put us.

Judy and I had a kitten for about two weeks once. We were in college. Someone gave us a kitten. It destroyed our sofa when we were away. And if you know anything about young married couples living in trailers off campus you can imagine just how nice that sofa was. Still, we didn't want to have the cat declawed so we just took it out to Judy's grandma's house in the country where it lived very well and never paid any attention to us whatsoever when we visited.

Since that one experience (and why would I need any other) I have had no use for cats. They do what they please, when they please, where they please. Throwing them does no good. (I only suspect this is true). Their one purpose is to catch mice so I am grateful for the stray cats in the neighborhood.

I am sure she upset a lot of animal lovers. But what really upsets me are the people (PETA) that have more regard for animals than people.

A Day Without Matt Lauer.....

Is a day without solace. I take great comfort in the fact that a man as handsome as  Matt suffers from hair loss. I have admired him since the day he first had to cut his hair short.  Unfortunately Matt can still take his shirt off in public without public ridicule, something  I was only able to do for a few fleeting years. Oh who am I kidding? I was  never able to take my shirt off in public.

I think Matt may be off this week. I am not sure. But I can't watch the Today show this morning. I am afraid they may be interviewing John McCain after his primary win last night and I just can't take it.

For some reason the media has always perceived John McCain as a "different kind of politician." How so? I could never figure out what he did differently than any of the rest of them. Maybe it was that war hero status that he had that started it all. Who knows. I have never understood his appeal. But then again I don't understand the appeal of Ellen Degeneres, (I know I should) Heidi Montag (two faced biatch.....or is she up to three or four by now) or Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Why anyone that ugly would be told to go into acting is beyond me).

At any rate I do not want to take the chance of finding John McCain on morning television so I am keeping it off this morning. Which is a great way to start the day, actually. I am actually glad he won. Apparently his opponent was even worse.

I did always like his wife. She is very pretty in a severe sort of way. And I hear she is independently wealthy and unpopular in Washington. Nothing wrong with that.

Perfect Pairing

Get your mind out of the gutter! The title of this post is not another lame Dolly Parton joke. Honestly, you people!

It refers to the news Larry shared with me this morning about the teaming up of Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah on a new movie project.

I adore both these women.

They are teaming up to do a movie about a church choir. I wonder if they need a musical director.

You can read more about it here:
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1646239/20100821/queen_latifah.jhtml

Sounds like the kind of movie the critics will hate. I am going to love it!

I also took this opportunity to post the video of my favorite Dolly Parton song, Smoky Mountain Memories. Just because.

'Tis the Season.....When the People of Southwestern IL are subjected to MO Political Ads

Before I begin this post just let me be clear about one thing: If you expect me to actually know what I am talking about you are in the wrong place. But then again if you wanted fact based information you would be watching the Daily Show.

I know very little about this guy.His name is Tommy Sowers and he is running for Congress in the 8th district of MO.  I am not in his district so I have no Constitutional obligation to know anything about him. But after seeing my first campaign commercial featuring him I would say we have a definite winner here!

The ad featured a pickup, a Bible and a gun. (I haven't seen such pure marketing genius since Carrie Underwood's first single included Jesus, a car and a baby) And it wasn't just any old Bible either. It was the one he took to Iraq. If that is not enough to win in Missouri I am sorely mistaken. I knew nothing about him but I was intrigued. Turns out he is a Democrat from Rolla.

 I wonder if he saw me in Annie a few years ago. But then with those elements in the ad he doesn't strike me as the musical theatre type. Still he is cute as the dickens (oh god I am talking like them now after only one commercial).

He is running against and incumbent so I am sure he is facing an uphill battle. Still it is  nice to see a Democrat with enough sense to appeal to Missourians' basic needs.

You will have to excuse me if I sound bitter. But I have at least ten weeks to go before I am no longer subjected to listening to political ads from MO. Nothing makes me prouder to be from IL  more  than seeing the political ads from Missouri. They don't call it the Show Me State for nothing. But hey! We did show you and you still put that Talent idiot in office a few years ago.

If By Liberal.....

A couple of friends shared this on Facebook and I wanted to repost it here:

If by a “Liberal” they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people - their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties - someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a “Liberal,” then I’m proud to say I’m a “Liberal.” ~ John F. Kennedy, 1960

And isn't it sad that so many Americans find these values "offensive" today?
 
I remember a time when liberals and conservatives were  civil. When men like Charles Percy and Everett Dirksen served as Republican senators from Illinois. and conservative voices like William F Buckley were eloquent as opposed to being  bullyish or clownish like the leading spokesmen for the far right is today.

A Minor Miracle

A few weeks ago these flowers were terminal.

 I know very little about plants but I pulled out some shrubs from the front of my house a couple years ago.Since then I have tried to plant a few things where they had been.  Last year I bought some pots and planted some crotons that survived all summer. So this year I was bold enough  to plant some morning glories and wild flowers. I recently replaced the wild flowers with some mums (pray for them).

I also bought this pot of petunias. A few weeks ago about three fourths of them were wilted and brown. They were in such bad shape I figured I couldn't do them any damage so I pulled out all the brown. I had just a few strands of greeen and  a very few blooms left. I put them back in the spot they had been before they started turning brown...just a few feet away. Six weeks later they have come back to full glory.

Why does this matter? It doesn't. But this is my damn blog so I am telling you anyway. The point is this is the first plant in the history of the world that I have rescued. I am sure the planet is better off for it.

Go Neil!

Over the weekend Neil Patrick Harris won two Emmys. One for his appearance on Glee and the other as host of the 2009 Tony Awards. Congratulations! He and his partner recently announced they are expecting twins in the fall.

We all knew that Doogie Howser was a very good boy and very good boys always have a very good chance of turning out gay. Proud of you Neil.

The Constitution is Hard

In today's New York Times there is an article about the lovely and demented Rick Lazio who has finally found an issue with some legs he can run on for governor of New York, the Ground Zero Mosque. He's against it of course.

Why are the right wingers so successful at finding these hot button issues that are so hard to disagree with? Should these people build their community center here? No. No. A thousand times no!

Do they have the right? Yes! Because we have this silly little thing in our constitution called freedom of religion.

I wish we could get over 9/11. Not forget it, just get over it. But there are too many people who can still reap a political benefit from it to let us heal those wounds. They prefer to leave the sores open so people forget the real issues in a campaign, Issues that matter to people. That way you have a better chance of getttng people to vote against their own interests, don't you Mr. Lazio

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/23/nyregion/23lazio.html?hp

South Pacific

I may have to change my rule about revivals. When I get to NYC for a theatre trip revivals are rarely high on the list of the shows I want to see unless they have a big marquee name. (I did manage to escape seeing Catherine Zeta-Jones hack her way through Send in the Clowns in A Little Night Music however) But the PBS broadcast of South Pacific on Wednesday night made me wish I had made a concerted effort to see this show while it was playing.

Paulo Szot and Kelli O'Hara were amazing.

It brought back fond memories of directing the show for the Sparta Community Chorus many years ago.

The show is so well constructed. Rodgers and Hammerstein are so dependable. I tend to overlook them when choosing projects but this production reminded me of what geniuses they were.  Perfection!

The Talk Show I Want to Host

Having no more credentials than a B.A. (or is it a B.S.) in elementary education along with work experience at several really bad summer jobs including selling clothing on commission and scoring trapshooting I have come to the conclusion that the only job I am qualified to do is to host my own talk show.

 I have a concept for a show that I think would really be fun. It would require a co host. My dear departed friend Chris Jackson would be the perfect co host for this venture but despite all her quirky resources, his mother, Chrystal has yet to find a way to bring him back to earth following his sad departure.

The show operate just like any other talk show. Chris and I would bring out a guest and talk to the about their latest project or what other dribble was on their mind. (Remember the days when guests went on talk shows without a movie or book to promote? The shows were much more interesting then. And please don't tell me the format is still suffering from the loss of Johnny Carson. The man has been scum in my book since he defriended Joan Rivers)

The thing that would set our talk show apart would be the on air post-mortem that occurred after the guest left. Before we brought out our next guest Chris and I would do what all self-respecting gay friends do; talk behind the guest's back critiquing every thing about their visit from their hair, clothing, failed plastic surgeries and their latest projects.

You know those harpies on The View rip their guests to shreds after they leave but they don't have the guts to air it. I think this show would be a immensely fun. I can think of only one drawback. Who would be stupid enough to come on other than Sarah Palin or that D.C. housewife who never really got invited to the White House? At least if she complained about her treatment on the show I could always claim I had never invited her either . With her track record people are sure to believe me.

Who Am I?

Well I am certainly not Jean Valjean but I would like to be except for that prison stint.

I am a single gay man living in a small town in Southern Illinois, something I never thought I would have the courage to be.

People often wonder how a gay man can be content to live here. Perhaps I would not be as content as I am if I were not within driving distance of a metropolitan area. I hesitate to say city since the nearest city is St. Louis and I am not sure it deserves that classification since it strives so hard to be a small town itself.

See what I mean by my blog title? You're Going to be Offended because this blog, if indeed I make more than one post is about my opinions on whatever captures my attention at the moment.

Do not expect consistency. I intend to be consistent in my views but I am sure I won't have the patience to monitor myself to go back to previous posts to see how I felt on any given topic at the time. But unless some new information comes to light I am pretty sure I will always loathe Kate Gosselin.