Paul Lynde on Our Government

Paul Lynde SOUR GRAPES

Made for Each Other.....or Not....

Well it's pretty clear who the new queen is over at TLC and it isn't Kate Gosselin. They set her and the eight little no-necks up on a camping trip with Sarah Palin for her new reality show. (Kate and the kids just happened to be in Alaska.....funny how these things work out.)

Kate just couldn't handle the wet and the cold. When it was time to eat the mooseburgers she bailed out of the entire episode claiming the lack of sanitation. What? No hand sanitizer? Geez, Kate how do you think mankind survived this long without it? We all know the real reason you bailed was because those lovely new extensions of yours were frizzing.

I never thought that anyone could make Sarah Palin look good in my eyes but anyone who can get Kate to show her true colors earns brownie points, or in this case a merit badge in my book.

I am sure conservative men all over the country were salivating over the possibility of these two giving us the female version of Brokeback Mountain up there in the Alaska wilds, bashing the media all snug in their little pup tents. But sadly America will be deprived of that opportunity thanks to Kate's concern for her kiddies cleanliness.

Ole Sarah may not be the brightest light in the Aurora Borealis but something tells me she set Kate up for a fall big time in this episode. I bet dutiful little  Bristol found out all the scoop on Kate's diva behavior on the set of Dancing With the Stars and filled mama grizzly in on how to secure herself the top spot in TLC's lineup.

"Everything they say about her is true, mama." I can imagine Bristol telling her. "You take her out to the North Woods, get her damp and cold and she'll fold faster than Levi's Playgirl pinup poster."

"Thanks for the tip, honey," I can hear Sarah responding in my sick little mind. "I'm mighty grateful. And to prove it to ya' I'm not gonna make you babysit Trip tonight. It's time Todd took his turn!"



The link to a Huffington Post article describing the episode is here

Boy do Those Hollywood Types Know Their Target Audiences or Not?

Larry and I went to see Burlesque last night and as we were leaving the theatre I said, "I would see that again!" Not that it was a great film mind you, it wasn't, unless you like predictable fluff, which it was. But sometimes I just want to go see a nice movie about nice people.

Cher is about to lose her burlesque club and  Christina Aguilera moves in with a guy that is already engaged. But there is never a doubt for one moment that Christina isn't going to get the guy and that Cher is going to get to keep her club. Come on. She's Cher for heaven's sake. The only reason the club is in danger in the  first place is to give her an excuse to sing her Act II ballad.

I thought I might become a Christina Aguilera fan after seeing this movie and I did. I was just waiting to make sure she could belt out  showtunes before I committed.

Christina  should hire whoever put her looks together for this movie to dress her and make her up daily. She looks great all through the film except for the one scene where she lets Cher do her makeup....makes you wonder if Cher really liked her......

But the real reasons to see this film are the men. Stanley Tucci, god love him plays another of his wonderful gay roles.
I  got to see him naked on Broadway  in Frankie and Johnny in the Claire de Lune a few years ago and he did make quite an impression on me even from the balcony. He is basically just doing his same shtick from the Devil Wears Prada here but he can keep right on doing it as far as I am concerned. I love the fact that he doesn't have that smooth chested thing going on. He is a man. He has hair on his chest. Go Stanley!

And then there is the lovely and talented Cam Gigandet. Who am I kidding I have no idea if he has talent or not. I was too busy staring into his eyes, made up with lots of eye liner. I have decided to start wearing it myself. I won't look like Cam but at least I can have something in common with him.

None of the girls really get naked in this film. We don't even see any T and very little A. Not that I or anyone else who is going to go see a Cher movie cares. This move was for gay men. So of course the only one who gets naked is Cam. The scene where he finally seduces Christina Aguilera features a charming strip tease. It was funny and cute. However, I am boycotting Famous Amos Cookies from this date forward since they were the only thing standing between Cam and Christina when he finally bared all to her, if you know what I mean.

Burlesque

Larry and I are off to see Burlesque this evening. I am anxious to see it. The critics on Rotten Tomatoes didn't care for it too much but audiences loved it. Who knows I may even become a Christina Aguilera fan.

It's supposed to be a shameless display of glitz. No wonder the critics won't admit they like it. Do these people dress in tweed constantly?

I remember how shocked people were when they realized Cher could act. It didn't surprise me. She had done a lot of characters during the run of the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour and her own variety series. I have always believed that comic acting is a lot harder than dramatic acting. Lots of comic actresses have made successful transitions to dramatic acting including Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett. But not many serious actors can develop comic timing.

And there were all those characters she created for album covers and photo shoots. The only character she hasn't revealed is a Cher that looks her age. She and her plactic surgeons really took the title to If I Could Turn Back Time seriously.

As Jim J. Bullock said in The Eyes of Tammy Faye, "After the Apocalypse only three things will remain; Cher, cockroaches and Tammy Faye."

John and Kate....the Gifts that Keep on Giving

Thank you, thank you, thank you for returning to the air waves this morning to clear up those nasty rumors about your darling, damaged children. After  a week of internet rumors concerning the fact that two of her children were expelled, my one and only reason to live, Kate Gosselin appeared on the Today Show this morning to clear things up for us. Her children weren't expelled from their private school. They were just having some anger issues and can no longer attend. That's called being expelled everywhere except the TLC studio you call your home, Kate!

Honey, honey honey! Do you even believe your own lies any more?

Please hand Meredith Vieira an Emmy now for being able to sit there with a straight face and listen to this psychotic woman drift from reality into the dementia where she must spend most of her time. Kate practically nominated herself for sainthood during this segment. If Meredith had had any holy water on her she would have been canonized by now.The only gratification I got out of this appearance was the fact her hair was a mess. Apparently not even the hair dressers at NBC want to be around her. It's good to know someone has some standards there.

Later in the day John McCain appeared at Senate hearings making one last bold attempt to keep the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy in place.

I have never understood why anyone thought of this man as a maverick. His medication must have worn off at the time. He never appeared to be any different than any other politician to me yet the media and the talk show hosts were always so enamored of him.

John McCain served with gay men. You know he did. So how in the world could he oppose this repeal? Who would he rather serve with; a closeted homosexual or an out one? Which did he think was more likely  to make some stealth attack in the middle of the night while he was lying on that tiny POW cot we all saw too much of during his presidential run?

Just wait. Like most of his conservative cohorts that rage against homosexuality he is going to come out of the closet sooner or later. Maybe he will  be caught in a bathroom stall tapping his foot (and I don't mean in time to Justin Bieber's latest single)

Or maybe he will finally admit to having lived with a man all these years. That wife of his is pretty but in a very severe way. You know.....like most drag queens.  When she refers to having a little nip and a little tuck she may not be referring to her plastic surgery.

Time will tell. You know I have always been right before!

Thank You, Mrs. Bayley

We are hearing a lot about bullying these days and for good reason. Kids today, especially gay kids are being bullied to the point of suicide.


I only had one bully in school. Like most victims, at the time I thought the reason he was picking on me was my fault. Now thanks to Dr. Phil I realize it wasn't.

My bully's name was Robert. I had the misfortune of having p.e. with Robert. He was always the  team captain that got stuck with the last pick and that last pick was always me.

I tried desperately to avoid any participation in the games but there were times when neither Robert or I could avoid it. Afterwards he would berate me mercilessly for losing the game. I couldn't shower and change clothes in peace. He just kept haranguing me until the bell rang. The next day it would start all over again. We would dress out, line up, choose sides, I would be picked last and lose the game for Robert.

Thankfully I had chorus immediately following p.e. Our chorus teacher was a beautiful woman named Mrs. Bayley. She always dressed very stylishly and had more shoes than Carrie Bradshaw.

Mrs. Bayley never started class on time. She couldn't because a few of us would gather in her office at the beginning of every period to discuss all the earth shattering  events going on in our lives. Day after day I would tell her how I had lost the game for Robert. I didn't realize at the time what a comfort it was to have someone who cared nothing at all about sports put each days humiliation into perspective for me. We always laughed at how upset Robert would get with me for his team's loss. (I suspect that Robert had failed whatever mandatory music course he took miserably.)


The only time I was successful in p.e. was during a softball game. I was assigned to play right field where  I am sure Robert hoped I would see very little action. We were ahead by one point. A high pop fly (how in the  world do I even remember these sports terms?) came toward me. I did what I always did; cowered in fright with my hands over my face. All of a sudden I heard a mammoth cheer. I looked up expecting the runner to have scored but instead I found the ball nestled in the crook of my arms.


The cheering was for me! And Robert was leading it! I had helped preserve the team's lead just in time for the bell to ring. For a shining moment briefer than Camelot I was Robert's hero.

 

I couldn't wait to get to chorus to tell Mrs. Bayley about my unexpected accomplishment. We found the entire episode hilarious and laughed at Robert for caring.


There was no Trevor project in Carmi, IL in 1970. Teachers didn't attend sensitivity trainings for dealing with gay youth. Mrs. Bayley just had the wisdom to listen to all of us for a few minutes each day before we began singing and the sense to know that intramural sports didn't matter to anyone but guys like Robert. Thank you, Mrs. Bayley!

Jesus Never went Fly Fishing

The American Family Association says it is winning the war on Christmas. The group is concerned that too many retailers use the term, "Happy Holidays" as opposed to "Merry Christmas." They say they are winning this battle, having convinced many retailers to advertise "Merry Christmas" in the past five years.


Don't these people have any homeless people or abandoned babies to care for? Of course not. They are much to busy on their constant crusades to find something to offend their religious sensibilities to actually practice the principals of Christianity.


And why do they always, always have the word family in the name of their associations? I've got a family too. Most of them are Christian and we don't spend a whole lot of time looking for petty religious litmus tests to hold the rest of society up to. We are generally a lot more cordial to the outside world than we are to one another. We save our squabbling for family gatherings. Our family meals may not be fun but they sure are dramatic.

This year the group is targeting Dick's Sporting Goods for opening an online "Holiday Shop." How dare Dick's? Really! I personally have never darkened the door of any sporting goods establishment.  After all, I try not to move unless it's absolutely necessary. You won't find me blowing out my knees walking around a golf course or heaven forbid, jogging through the neighborhood. But I don't see what is so inherently evil in the words, "Holiday Shop."


And I am pretty sure Jesus wouldn't care. I have attended Sunday School since 1957 and I don't remember one reference to Jesus' interest in fly fishing, golf, tennis or racket ball. Besides, he used a net, remember?

No one who shops for me for the holidays (Yes I am Christian but I am not so close minded I wouldn't accept a Hannakuh gift) knows not to buy sporting goods. Unless the item they're buying has Cher, Angela Lansbury or Bernadette Peters featured on the packaging it's going to be re gifted or returned for an original cast album anyway.

Why Would This Person Go into Show Business?

I probably need to apologize to anyone who attended the 2 o'clock matinee of Love and Other Strangers at the Cinemark Showcase in Paducah today. I know they heard me groaning during about a third of this movie. But every time one of the supporting characters came on screen I fumed.

The movie stars the beautiful Jake Gyllenhaal and the almost as lovely Anne Hathaway. Jake must have had  a rider in his contract that stipulated that they find the most unattractive person they could find to play his brother.

I have never understood why men who are unkempt, unattractive and morbidly obese are automatically assumed to be funny. Josh Rad plays Jake's brother in the film and the character has not one interesting or redeeming character trait. The character was just one obnoxious cliche after another. No wonder he appeared only briefly in the previews.

At one point in the movie his pimply fat ass was revealed when he was bedding a beautiful woman.

You never see unattractive women end up with gorgeous men onscreen but somehow these unkempt slobs always end up bedding a beautiful costar. What a double standard!

I enjoyed most of the movie when he was offscreen but not even seeing Jake Gyllenhaal totally nude from the rear and the front except for his carefully placed hands can erase the sight of this unkempt, unshaven, mop-haired slob from my memory.

The Worst Pumpkin Pie in the History of Thanksgiving

One of the relationships in my life that I still give thanks for is my friendship with Chris Jackson. We spent several holidays together before his untimely death and I still miss him enormously. I do not however miss the contribution he made to my Thanksgiving meal one year.

I have rarely had to cook on Thanksgiving because if a recipe doesn't involve cookie dough I have very little interest in it or faith in myself to bake it. Still, a few years ago I decided to cook Thanksgiving dinner for myself and my daughters. Knowing they didn't have Thanksgiving plans, I invited Chris and his mother, Chrystal over as well.

Chris insisted in helping out with the meal so we decided he could bring the pumpkin pies. It was a small gathering so I was only cooking a turkey breast. Even so, with that and the few other dishes I was preparing I was having a difficult time getting everything to come out of the oven at the same time.

Chris and Chrystal arrived about an hour before the meal was to be served with the pies. They were still frozen! Well, partially frozen anyway. He had had the pies in the trunk of his car awhile and they had thawed.

Just as I was reaching the higest point of my stress level, trying to juggle turkey breast, sweet potatoes, stuffing and dinner rolls in the oven, all of which required a various temperature settings, Chris announced he needed to bake the pies for forty-five minutes or so at yet another temperature, or course.

I thought I had been saved any further confusion when we discovered the pies had partially leaked out of their containers. I assumed we would just give up on the project and pick up a couple of Twinkies or whatever Hostess products we could find at the local convenience store down the block for dessert. But Chris insisted on baking them anyway.

He poured the contents of one pie tin into the other to make one complete pie and put it in the oven while we put the finishing touches on the meal and ate.

By the time we finished eating the pies weren't done but the crust had burnt so that it was about the color of potting soil. I tried to decline the piece of pie Chris spooned up for me, burnt on the edges, raw in the center. Thankfully he turned his head just long enough for me to hide most of my piece in my napkin and mutter, "That didn't turn out to badly," before I headed to the kitchen to hide the evidence of the uneaten pie deep in depths of my trash can.

Amazingly this was not the last Thanksgiving we spent together but from then on he was assigned to only bring the wine, something we could have used a heck of a lot more of that Thanksgiving.

I am Thankful

I am thankful this year for the same thing I am always thankful for; my girls. They are unique, talented, bright and beautiful.

I love Megan's spirit and vision. Even when she is equipped with nothing more than a simple camera she can capture images that no one else sees. This is the mark of a true artist.


I remember that her mother used to have a Barry Manilow quote on display about having the courage to live life creatively. I have never had that ability, allowing fear to shape too many of my decisions. But Megan has always had the courage to live her life on her terms. I admire her for that.


I also admire the fact that she is deep. How someone with a father as shallow as I am managed this I will never know. But I hold her in the highest regard.


I have had the pleasure not only of living with her when she was a child but for a couple of extended periods I have had the pleasure of living with her as an adult and I must say she makes a wonderful companion.

Emily has more friends than anyone I know. Probably because she brings such light to every moment of every day.


Emily is an incredible performer. Everything she does on stage she does with an incredible ability to internalize it so that it never seems "put on" but wonderfully motivated. I would like to think it came from all those years of watching me but I was never as good as she is. It would kill me to admit this if she were not my daughter. At least I can take partial  credit for that.


I love the fact that Emily is as incredibly soft as she is strong. She is never hesitant to share her opinion but is equally as sensitive with an ability to bring great understanding to relationships.


Both of these incredible young women have great wisdom in so many areas.

 

I am a lucky, lucky father to have two such amazing daughters.


I do regret that I am not with them this Thanksgiving. But I am so pleased to know that they are together in Portland.

 When I bow my head to give thanks over my meal this Thursday I will have many blessings to remember but it will be my daughters that I am most thankful for, this year and every year.

I Thought We Won the Revolution

Why can't the media just cover a story and then move on? They need to become a little more like Sgt. Joe Friday and report, "Just the facts ma'am."

Last week when Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their engagement all the morning shows did what the media always does; air a continual stream of speculation about what the details of the upcoming nuptials might be. The only royal expert I want to hear from is Joan Rivers. Please, please somebody hire her now to cover this event!

Why are we still obsessed with the royal family? I thought we wanted to be rid of them. If we want a royal family we could get our own. My nominations are:

The Kardashians. They are beautiful and they do seem to have a jump start on that inbred thing. Look! They're already dressed for Ascot!

 The Lohans. We are already obsessed with them and  they could beat the Brits hands down when it comes to dysfunction.

But if we want to do this thing right with style, dignity and grace I think we should just crown Tim Gunn. He is going to have to marry quick and produce an heir but I think the world is ready for a gay royal family.

If the Brits could have handled gay royals they might have ditched Prince Charles and gone with Andrew as the next heir years ago. (Of course I do sometimes wonder if Charles isn't gay. That Camilla usually comes off looking like a guy in drag anyway.)

Heidi would make the perfect surrogate for Tim and his partner's child. But please, please don't let Michael Kors or Nina Garcia dress the young prince or princess. After the judging this season on Project Runway we would be subjected to nothing but serviceable clothing all done in earth tones. We could just keep Queen Elizabeth and her Corgis if we wanted to go that route!