My Hard Drive is Full

It is Wednesday morning and I don't have anything to do today until it is time to go to choir rehearsal. The weather is lovely and the view outside my living room window is bright and beautiful so there is absolutely no reason I shouldn't sink down into my very comfortable leather sofa with my script in hand and a 4 x6 index card and memorize my lines for The Sparta Community Chorus production of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. There is just one problem. at 57 years of age (I know. you thought I was older) the hard drive installed in my brain at birth is full. Memorizing new lines has become physically painful.

Maybe my brain needs an update. It has never been defragged or had the old files removed. I can still remember every insult, every put down, every snicker made behind my back. I would remove them if I could but I am afraid that I might forget all the family dinners, vacations and holidays that are imbedded there as well. Thankfully in my case the put downs and the family memories are not in the same folder. In that regard I am truly blessed am I not?

I stopped keeping track of how many shows I have done a long time ago but after memorizing lines and lyrics for over forty years I have a lot of scripts and songs in my "theatre file." Of course the lyric or line I need at any particular moment may not "load" properly at the time it is needed. Maybe I need a USB port so new files of scripts could be downloaded more easily. In the meantime I will spend this beautiful afternoon on my sofa with my notecard covering up line after line until I finally give up and nudge it downward to refresh my memory.

At least this is a musical comedy. I have always found comedies easier to memorize than dramas. I do not subscribe to the theory that dramatic acting is more difficult than comedic acting. It just isn't as much fun. Comedies are always easier for me to memorize because jokes interest me. It's always a privilege to be able to deliver a joke on stage. And a challenge to see if I can land it correctly and get the laugh.

I am a character actor so lead roles have been rare for me. That's great. I enjoy being the guy that has forty lines and one song. It's fun to go in, get the laugh and go hang out backstage with the rest of the cast.

Lawrence is never really a role that I thought much about. When I saw this show I was really drawn to Andre, the French assistant with attitude and a comic love interest.

Lawrence is an arrogant, snide and self-centered con man. How I didn't see what a great fit he was for me I will never know.

Hopefully audiences will also see behind the front he puts up and into his heart. The guy that secretly admires the upstart (and hilarious) Freddy as the free wheeling guy Lawrence used to be and roots for him when he develops a crush on Christine after womanizing every female on the French coast.

Now I know how Madonna feels, having a love interest half my character's age. The only difference is I know it's a JOKE!

Emmys Fashion

Damn you, Joan Rivers because of your endless badgering on Fashion Police celebrities are now playing it safe on the red carpet. Most people showed up on the Emmy red carpet that were quickly forgotten. But here goes.

The only way a man can mess it up on the red carpet is to forget to put on a suit or a tux. Great job, Chris you are still the only reason I watch Glee.

Christina Hendricks didn't look as ridiculous as usual. What a burden she must bear with those bazookas.....at least this year she chose a color that blended right in with them so you had to look hard to see where the dress left off and the bosoms began....

I liked this dress. Without the pattern it would have been boring. But Claire Danes is beautiful in anything.

A lot of people had red on this year. I thought Giuliana Rancic knocked it out of the park in this one.

Gwyneth, Gwyneth, Gwyneth. You definitely fall into the weird actress category and you seem determined to prove it. But that doesn't mean you have to prove you are tasteless too. It's the Emmys not the Hot Box. Hate the bare midriff on a gown.

Oh Juliana.....I hope they gave this to you free. The top looks like an upside down lampshade. You are too pretty for this.....well you WERE too pretty for this before they did this to your hair. The sign on the salon that said "In business since 1941" should have been a hint. That hair belongs on a recruitment poster for WWII.

Is everything about Modern Family obnoxious? I hate dresses that divide women's breasts. If you are going to show your boobs push them UP not OVER! It was even worse from a side view.

Kaley Cuoco...cute....cute...cute.....and very similar to the winning design on Project Runway this week....now someone tell me who she is. I'm getting old. I can't keep up.

Padma looked delicious. Unfortunately the photographer caught her a bit unaware here. Love her.

Kelly Osbourne looked great....she even had sense to turn her tattoos from the camera for this shot.

Lea Michelle.....in a very subdued Marchesa design....and look she is just standing normally.....

Mario Lopez......just because.....

The reason.....ONE of the reasons I don't watch Modern Family.....I hate preocious.......

I thought Amy Winehouse died......(It's really Pax De La Huerta....whoever that is...) I should have known it wasn't Amy....this girl obviously bathed before the awards show.....

Go Away Part 2

I admit it. I watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. In my defense I do not watch the New York, New Jersey, OC, Miami or Washington D.C. versions (often).

I did watch one complete season of The Atlanta version but that was during a marathon. It is impossible not to watch any marathon of any television show once you start. If a marathon is airing and you can't find your remote within ten minutes you are stuck or at least I am. That's how I ended up watching only one full season of House and Jersey Shore. If Hallmark runs an I Love Lucy marathon you may not see me for days.

All the other Housewive are cheap imitations of the Beverly Hills gang like those Gucci purses or Chanel sunglasses you can buy off a folding table in Times Square.

But there is one Beverly Hills housewife that is so out of her league on this show that it isn't even funny; Taylor. Whoever said you can never be too rich or two thin never saw this poor girl. If Ghandi were still alive and in the middle of one of his hunger strikes even he would tell her "Eat something for heaven's sake!" 

After watching the Real Housewives of Bevery Hills I no longer want to be rich. I'd probably just spend it on useless crap like they do; you know like pools and jacuzzis set into the Hollywood Hills.

But mostly it just affirms for me one of nature's great truths: You can't buy pretty. Look at this woman. She is nipped, tucked and botoxed beyond recognition. Then since she had been such a good customer her plastic surgeon offered to blow up her lips for free.....and she took him up on it!

Taylor spent the first season wondering around looking miserable. Poor Bravo had to edit her husband out of this season since his suicide. I don't blame Bravo for this guy's suicide. And I certainly don't agree with the people who said they should have postponed the new season because of it. But I am hoping the public outcry will force Taylor off the third season. Go Away!

They can fill her slot with Cedric, Lisa's houseguest from hell from season 1 or just put Andy Cohen in a speedo and let him visit each of them for a week or so.

Go Away!

Dr. Phil interviewed Casey Anthony's parents this week. I was pretty successful at avoiding that trial last summer despite promos and news stories. When the verdict came in not guilty I knew we were in for even more complaining from Nancy Grace (if that is possible). And just when the controversy seemed to die down there is Dr. Phil with a desperate need to promote his new season. So who does he get to kick it off? These two. Go away!

Why anyone would go on Dr. Phil to get help I will never know. It's therapy! It's supposed to be private! Jeez Louise.

At least the people who go on Maury know the show is tacky. I mean what were Maury's credentials before he got his own show? Hosting A Current Affair and marrying Connie Chung. The endless stream of DNA results is actually a step up for him. How the DNA testing center keeps all those results straight is beyond me. How many files marked "Tyrone" can they process in one televison season anyway? I wouldn't be flailing myself on the floor just because those test results came back wrong Shaniqua, Sholanda or Shania....whatever your name is.

With over 500 channels now available on my Direct TV I understand that all these talk show hosts need to do something spectacular to get some attention but why can't they just do what Anderson Cooper did on the second day of his new talk show, Anderson and just take off their shirt for every segment? Still I hadn't seen anything whiter than Anderson's body since the 2008 Republican National Convention.

The Cutest Man on Television

If you are not watching Fashion Police on E! every Friday night you are missing the most important information program on television. Forget Meet the Press, 60 Minutes and World News Tonight. Not one of those esteemed broadcast answers the most important question of our time; Who are you wearing?

Joan Rivers hosts this meeting of minds and she would reduce her young costars to stunned silence if they could only stop laughing at her crass, crude and hilarious observations.

At least three times an episode Joan delivers a raunchy criticque of a celebrity that stuns Guiliana Rancic to silence. At times you can tell Guiliana isnt sure that being privy  to the hilarious truths that only someone who has survived as much as Joan can dare utter is in the best interest of her career.

Kelly Osbourne offers as much fashion advice advice as any tattooed offspring of a zoned out rock star can be expected to provide. But the only person on the panel that can truly appreciate Joan is the beloved and adorable George Kotsiopoulis. Joan is holding court and George is the only true lady in waiting on the panel. Giuliana and Kelly are merely usurpers to the throne who have to be kept close at hand to insure that they won't launch a rebellion.

George doesn't attempt to offer as many blithering attacks on celebrities as Kelly and Giuliana. He has the good sense to realize that no one is going to outshine Joan here. He just sits and fawns over Joan adoringly the way only another queen can and in doing so endears us to him. He does this all of course by looking absolutely adorable in his jeans and argyle sweater vests  sporting a couple days worth of stubble.

He is the cutest damn thing on television unless you count Andy Cohen over in the Bravo Clubhouse. Let's hope that gay marriage never becomes legal in this country because if those two were alowed to raise a family they would deliver a litter that hasn't been topped (you will excuse the expression) since 101 Dalmations.

It's been years since I even remotely thought that I might become a star one day. But every time I watch Fashion Police a tiny, tiny hope wells up in my little breast that one day I will be invited to walk a red carpet just so I can have George advise me.

Why is CNN hosting a tea party debate?

I have to admit that part of the  reason I stopped blogging this summer was because the news was so depressing that I couldn't bear to watch. I am really tired of the dummies in this country having the loudest voice.

It depresses me that liberals, unions, teachers, public employee pensions and social security have somehow become the newest dirty words in this country.


Just when I finally started watching a little news again lately (after all I couldn't let the Kardashian wedding go totally unnoticed could I?) I hear on CNN that they are hosting a Tea Party debate.


When are these people going to go away? They have pretty much been called out for their racism, sexism and homophobia haven't they? The entire group appears to share only one brain cell so it is no wonder that its neurons are beginning to fray.

I don't trust any group ever that calls for a reduction in government spending. (Unless you can raise Harry Truman from the dead no one in government is ever going to cut government waste.) So get over it. Just lay low and maybe they won't accelerate the debt too much. The only time government ever cuts spending they end up only cutting essential programs. The pork always, always remains.

Fox News has repeated their false allegations about a liberal media bias for so long that the legitimate media outlets are so afraid of appearing left leaning that they bend over backward to avoid it. The result is that the only two viewpoints we hear now are from the right and the far right.

So it is no surprise that CNN has decided to cover this tea party fiasco. This is just another of their attempts to apease all those people that turn to Fox for news. Absurd. You cannot apease anyone who believes that Fox broadcasts anything that even closely resembles news. Those people are gone, CNN. They abandoned reality long ago. You can't get them back and why on earth would you want them?

So I won't be watching the tea party debate tonight, CNN. I am going to watch someting edifying.....just as soon as I decide which set of Real Housewives episodes I have recorded on my DVR I want to watch.

Seriously....How Hard is it to Count to Twenty?

I just returned from Hell on Earth....otherwise known as Walmart and made the unfortunate mistake of getting in the express checkout lane.  I know. I know I should know better but it was a slow day and I decided to live dangerously.

With fear and trepidation I approached the express checkout lane. There was only one man in front of me. I am old enough and wise enough to realize that the fact that there is only one person in front of you at the express does not guarantee a speedy exit from America's retail champion.

I was right of course. He had more than twenty items. That wouldn't have been so bad but of course he and the checkout lady were discussing each one of them. Then he had to buy tobacco, chewing tobacco of course which probably explains the fact he didn't have enough intelligence to read the sign that says 20 items or less or to count that high since he wasn't barefoot. I just assume anyone that is still buying chewing tobacco is someone that has family back home in Appalachia they are trying to support.

Why do they have those signs up if they aren't going to enforce them?

And why do they always seem to assign check out ladies to the express lane that have no sense of urgency? Unfriendliness  and efficiency should be job qualifications for running the express checkout lane. Most of the time when I want to use the express lane I don't have time for friendly checkout people. I do think this woman was working as fast as she could. She seemed incapable of processing anything quickly.

Thank goodness I now have this blog because I did not have to resort to surliness in line to vent my frustration. In fact in a sick sort of way I actually welcomed the experience today because it gave me something to write about. Aren't you glad?

Boycotting Chaz

Since Chaz Bono was announced as a cast member on this season's Dancing With the Stars some knuckleheads have been calling for a boycott of the show. That'a ironic isn't it? They want to boycott someone because they don't like the fact they felt more like a boy than a girl and did something about it.

Where were these easily offended people when Kate was subjecting pretty little Tony Dovolani to abuse in the specially constructed studio DTWS set up in her Pennsylvania home? Now that was something to complain about. Where were these people when Mark Ballas was having to haul Bristol Palin's fat Alaskan Carcass across the dance floor a couple seasons ago? Voting! That's what. You know the same lame-brained people who voted for Kate and Bristol week after week are the very ones complaining about Chaz.

I doubt many of us can truly understand the pain that transgendered people go through in our society. I made the supreme sacrifcice and actually tuned into the Oprah Winfrey Network to watch Becoming Chaz, the documentary about Chaz's journey to become a man and I have to say he really impressed me as a very genuine person who had struggled with his identity.

Compare that to the hypocrisy of "I'm just a
simple mother," Kate. Yeah right. The only reason Kate enrolled her kids in gymnastics class was so they could learn how to form the pyramid so she could climb the ladder to the top. (Until her ratings fell, Thank goodness!)

But even Kate doesn't reach the level of hypocrisy of Bristol Palin, a girl with an affinity for the back of pickup trucks,  who finds herself pregnant and then decides to become a spokesperson for abstinence. Then she had the nerve to declare that she didn't want to wear revealing outfits. At least America should have been glad for that. I think the dimwitted Levi Johnston was the only man in America that wanted to see Bristol in anything peek-a-boo. (We can blame the exposure to too much cold air up in the Alaskan frontier for that temorary lack of judgement I suppose)

Maybe ABC was banking on controversy to keep the ratings up. I hope so. I suffered through Kate and Bristol but the truth is as long as they keep dressing the guys in tight pants and plunging tops I was going to tune in anyway.

Only in Modern Day America and Only in New York

I love New York. But the way they have let the families of the 9/11 victims hold the city hostage over the plans for the 9/11 memorial is ridiculous.

After watching the video below of the memorial site I was astounded at just how self centered our society has become. Ever since Mya put those two slabs of granite up alongside the National Mall and carved the names of the soldiers who lost there lives in VietNam every memorial designer is now obliged to pare down their design to the bare bones. As long as the victims names are carved in granite somewhere the design is hailed as a success.

So it is no wonder that the designer of the 9/11 memorial was compelled to come up with the two most depressing fountains in the history of the world. They basically consists of watching water run into seemingly bottomless pits. 9/11 wasn't a big enough tragedy without pouring (literally it seems) money into this?

The design is completed (if you can use that term) by a plaza of 600 trees. Of course in a politically charged atmosphere like Ground Zero (God I hate that term!) you can't just plant 600 trees. You have to come up with a overthought drainage plan. Just making sure the area was filled with good soil and properly sloped for drainage would have been way too simple.

http://video.nytimes.com/video/2011/09/05/nyregion/100000001032326/at-the-heart-of-ground-zero.html

How I Got Through My Summer

Thanks to having 300 channels on my Direct TV I no longer have to put up with as many summer reruns as I had to as a kid growing up.

A few shows have helped me get through the summer without having to resort to tuning in to Piers Morgan at 8 o'clock, something I only do if I am in the mood to be thoroughly annoyed by his arrogance.

On Bravo's Flipping Out Jeff Lewis is snide, arrogant and difficult to please. No wonder I feel a great affinity with him. It took me a couple seasons to realize that a lot of his irritating behavior comes from a very dry sense of humor.

A friend stopped me in Walmart a couple weeks ago to tell me that I reminded her a lot of Jeff. Thank goodness I finally realized that Jeff had  a few redeeming qualities before she shared this with me or I would have locked myself away in the frozen food department until science came up with a cure for obnoxious behavior.

I did miss the cat fights between Jeff and his former business partner and former lover this season. But his new boyfriend and co-worker, Gage is awfully cute. I wonder how much Bravo has to pay  this guy to "date" Jeff.

I also enjoyed Rocco's Dinner Party this summer even though cooking shows always make me hungry. Each week Rocco invites three chefs to his townhouse for a quick challenge. The two who survive prepare a dinner party for his guests. The winner gets $20,000. Rocco had an ingratiating habit of eliminating the chef that thought they were superior to the others during the preliminary challenge. Chef after chef left the townhouse disarmed and dismayed that they had been the one to go.

He usually didn't tell the chefs until they were in the middle of slicing up the prime rib or grilling an expensive steak that one of the guests was a vegetarian just so he could see how well they could adapt.

Personally, if that bitch Sandra Bernhardt showed up at my dinner party and didn't announce until the last minute that she was a vegetarian I would just tell her I hoped she had some tofu stuffed under her hairy armpit (I am sure women like Sandra Bernhardt don't carry purses)  because she wouldn't find any in my kitchen. She was the most annoying dinner guest Rocco had all season. She didn't like anything they put in front of her. The woman is not attractive enough to be picky! I would love to have seen her puff up her pouty lips at my mom's meatloaf. If they weren't protruding enough already they would be after my mom smacked her in the face with the frying pan she had just used to fry up the pork chops.

Melissa and Joey on ABC Family is a generic sitom, a mix between Who's the Boss?, The Nanny and just about any other 60s sitcom but the cast is so engaging that they pull it off. Or maybe I just enjoy seeing how small a t-shirt they can pour Joey Lawrence into each week. Keep trying, ABC. He hasn't burst the seams of any of them yet.

The kids on this show are very talented too, especially Nick Robinson who plays Melissa's nephew. Christopher Rich from Reba has also made a few guest appearances this season. I have loved him ever since he appeared in the short-lived series The Charmings.

But I think the thing that keeps me fascinated most about Melissa and Joey is seeing just how weird Joey's hairline is going to become week after week. Apparentlyhe is going through hair transplant sugery and the doctor messed up his hairline. They keep spackling his head to make the hair appear more prominent but so far it has looked the strangest when his hair started growing back. No one has hair that thick unless they work in a carpet factory and have to carry samples around on their head.

But the one show I am most grateful for this summer has been Fashion Police. Every week Joan Rivers proves she is still the funniest woman in America as she shocks her young co-hosts with crude comments that no one under 70 could get away with.

I will never understand how Kelly Osbourne became a fasion expert. Her only qualification as a fashion icon seems to be that all her tattoos are positioned correctly on whatever body part she chose to mar.

Thank goodness for George Kotsiopoulis. Joan needs a little gay guru by her side and no one can fawn over Joan  with a cuter grin than George.

I Thought Models Were Supposed to be Pretty...

but according to NY Magazine online these are three of the top three models that are trying to make a name for themselves during New York's upcoming fashion week.

This is Corinna Inglenleuf, the hottest model out of Germany, popular because of her androgynous looks which are very in demand these days. That's all well and good but I have seen wide screen tvs on sale at Best Buy that have a smaller playing surface than this girls (?) nose.

Here is the lovely and exceedingly angry Kelly Mittendorf. But maybe she has a good reason to be upset. Someone may have just tried to get her to eat something. You have to wonder how many people run up to this girl and said, "You should be a model!" I am guessing only one. Apparently whoever it was had connections in the industry though.

And here is Soujourner Morrell, another of the  highly prized androgynous girls (???)

Other than watching Project Runway I am pretty much past keeping up with fashion because let's face it at my age I have seen just about every fashion trend come and go and come an go again. Shorts are either short or long, pants are either skinny or wide, pleated or plain front, shoulder pads are either in or out. About the only thing I haven't seen come back are Nehru collars and leisure suits so they can't be far behind.




You can read the full article here: http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2011/09/ten_new_faces_to_watch.html

Where Have I Been?

Nowhere. I just got tired of writing. I felt like I just kept repeating the same old jokes (that never stopped Jay Leno) and complaints. But as Joan Rivers once said, "There are two kinds of bitchy; funny bitchy and scary bitchy. Note to Joan: There are also two types of plastic surgery; once when you turn 50 and need a little boost to your self esteem and ENOUGH! I still love you, Joan. You are still the funniest woman on television. (Unless you count Ryan Seacrest)

I hope that even though my posts may be bitchy that they are funny bitchy. And I am going to try to begin posting again. I can't promise. After all after months of blogging the most popular posts always seemed to revolve around Rocky Squirrel and I haven't seen the little rodent in weeks. (He always was scarce in the summer when there was yard work to do.

I am Back and I am Joining the Tea Party!

Yes! Yes! Yes! I have finally had it with the government. The day, the very day before school started in Sparta I got a message from the secretary at my old school telling me they couldn't call me to sub this year because my teaching certificate had expired and I had to jump through several hoops for the Illinois State Board of Education before they could call me this year.


I knew my certificate had expired but I was planning on subbing anyway since in Illinois anyone with a pulse and 64 hours of college credit has been allowed to sub in the past. But in their infinite wisdom (and the desire to fill the state coffers with certification fees) the legislature passed new legislation regarding substitute teaching.

What was I doing in the meantime? Sitting at the Hospital Auxilary gift shop four hours a month and volunteering for the Garden Club (which consists of nothing more than trying to keep a planter full of petunias alive in record heat) and planning a benefit cabaret performance for the Sparta Public Library.

But apparently the State of Illinois fears that I may have contracted Tuberculosis this summer or joined a gang of child molesters because they want me to have a physical, a TB test and a background check. Seriously. I have lived in Sparta since 1978. If the cops haven't caught me imbezzling funds, groping children or subverting the government by now do they seriously think a routine background check is going to stop me?

So far my attempt to reregister my certification has meant two trips to the Regional Office Of Education, three doctor's visits. (since they couldn't possibly perform a TB test and a physical in one day) hours trying to navigate the Illinois State Board of Education website and approximately $125.00 in fees and physician copays.

I am sure all of this is so the State of Illiniois can gurantee that No Child Is Left Behind. Too friggin' late folks! One already did. His name was Geoge but we call him George W. so we don't confuse him with hid daddy. I really resent all the red tape that man has caused educators in the last eleven years. After all if a  little imbecile like G. W. can become president we don't really need to make sure kids learn anything in school.

This is government run amock. And as much as I am tempted to join the tea party in their attempts to streamline government (What am I saying? The only thing those morons care about it is not paying their fair share of taxes. I can gurantee you that the tea partiers are the first to put their grubby little paw out if anyone even hints that the government has a subsidy for them) I know that if they ever do achieve their goal of reducing government spending that government waste will remain intact. The only thing they will succeed in cutting will be the government programs that help people. Halliburton will remain solvent I assure you.